


... then Anna.

by Velvet_Assassin



Series: An end, once and for all [2]
Category: Monster (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Amnesia, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Anxiety, Canon-Typical Violence, Cotard's Delusion, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Many many spoilers, Mind Manipulation, Post Series, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Schizoid Personality Disorder, so many headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-06-29 20:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 44,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15736680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velvet_Assassin/pseuds/Velvet_Assassin
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a little princess who lived in a pretty castle. Once upon a time, there was a monster who lived. The monster and the princess destinies were no longer drawn together as one.And then the monster and the princess became one, once again.





	1. Day 1. The agreement (I)

**Author's Note:**

> After a lot of reading and consulting I've decided to use the Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) as a guideline to build my personal view of Johan (basically, because there's so little canon about what the hell goes on inside his head), along with Schizoid Personality Disorder (SzPD), I want him to be pretty chaotic and contradictory, though.  
> I'd recommend anyone interested in knowing more to visit https://manie-sans-delire.tumblr.com/, who helped me to understand a little more about it, myself and the world :D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... here it is. I've been planning to write this for a whole decade since I watched Monster for the first time lol, but I was never sure if my English was going to be good enough.
> 
> 6 years ago I started publishing it in Spanish but I abandoned it. I still published it in FanFiction back then and later here. That's why I added it to the series, but there is no real connexion with this one (maybe in a future one, hehehe).
> 
> This year, I was planning on continuing my Spanish fic, then I considered translating it to English (hell no, impossible for me) and finally I decided to switch completely to English doing a tabula rasa, using plain language and focusing on dialogs, so it's easier for me.
> 
> Each chapter focuses on one twin's POV, and one topic, so lengths will vary.
> 
> Here is the result of it, hope you like it!

Once upon a time, there was a little princess who lived in a pretty castle. Once upon a time, there was a monster who lived. Did he actually live? No, he didn’t, because he didn’t even exist. Had it always been like that? No, absolutely not. The monster had not always been like that but a prince too. A prince that also lived in that pretty castle, with the princess he had promised to protect with his everything.

Once upon a time, there were a prince and a princess that lived in a pretty castle.

What happened to that little prince? Had a witch also turned him into a beast like in that other fairytale?

It had just disappeared into the void, for no reason at all. And then that remaining doll had turned into a monster, for many different reasons.

But it had been a choice, it had.

He chose to be a monster.

Why? He couldn’t remember, only suspect. He had been weak, so he wanted to be strong.

All of that was so long ago he didn’t care anymore. Just another story that lost all its meaning. The monster and the princess destinies were no longer drawn together as one. Despite all the time and effort invested, the princess was nothing more than a stranger he knew well. Someone who chose again a normal life away from him.

She seemed happy, though. All dressed up, wearing a make up he had never seen on her, she went to work, she went out with friends, she went out with boys. It was easy to forget all her recent past looking at her like that. Was she a real knight or just an incredibly good actress? Others would choose the former but not him, he knew she was closer to the latter.

What a little hypocrite that princess had become.


	2. Day 1. The agreement (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little surprise for Nina.

Nina finally found the lipstick in a corner of her handbag. She should consider buying smaller ones in the future, note to herself. As fast as her skill allowed her, her lips were again coral red. Oh, she liked that color and its meaning for her. She had bought it with her first salary advance and it was the most expensive lipstick she had ever considered buying.

She smiled at her own image in the mirror. She was not still used to it, the image of a young professional, dressed up in nice clothes, instead of the ones much humbler of a student, or even worse, a missing girl in the quest for revenge. No, the image in the mirror was a new, improved version of herself. The one that had been successful after all the pain, the sadness, and the anger. She had left the nightmare behind.

Oh no, it was getting late and her weekend had just started, why was she staying any more time in that building? The lipstick reached again the darkest corner possible of that handbag and her fast steps headed to the elevator first and little after the main entrance. She still required forty minutes dealing with public transport to finally reach her not-so-fancy-but-still-cute little apartment. That weekend was going to be completely dedicated to nothing useful at all, deciding and planning the decoration of her new home… or shopping… oh, that would be nice, she wouldn’t mind a pair of new heels in her closet. More lipsticks could be nice too. And blushes too. What else?

 

* * *

 

She was still dealing with the ponytail as she entered the living room, wishing to just lie on the sofa for some hours while watching… it didn’t matter what. But the universe had other plans for her it seemed, or at least her brother, who liked to play the role of the whole universe around her too often.

Nina froze, completely, at the sight of that figure sitting on the sofa. She blinked, and again, trying to understand what was happening and trying to avoid the unavoidable questions coming to her mind.

“J-Johan…?” It was a question, it really was, checking if she was just suffering hallucinations.

No, please no…

Just die and leave me alone…

Her heart was racing, with fear, anger, sadness… why was he there? Why? Couldn’t he just leave her alone?

No. If he was to destroy himself, she was just a part of that plan. She was him after all.

No, please no…

Wasn’t that what she had wanted to see, his eyes opening again? Why was she regretting every word said to that lying body now that their eyes met?

It was just in that moment when she understood how naïve her previous behavior had been, her former convictions. It had been so easy to play the role of a kind and sacrificed sister around his sleeping form, so still and non-dangerous. But as soon as he was looking at her again she understood how impossible it was, to be kind. How useless too. She felt so powerless around him and hence, so frightened. And with fear came anger.

Time just froze, no, it actually went back three years, making disappear all she had built in that time. Basically, everything in her new life. All the effort and tears invested could be useless in a matter of seconds.

So… that was it. The end.

She took a deep breath while the smile in his lips turned less subtle. He was enjoying it, of course. Bastard.

“What are… how…” focus. Better start with something simple. “What are you… doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.” His smile then turned so polite, even kind. “You progressed so much…” He seemed to admire the simple furniture in the room. “I’m really happy for you, Nina.” His posture was so natural, and those eyes turned so sweet that seemed sincere.

“Wh…what?” He really dared to play his role of a golden boy around her, knowing it could fool no one.

However, her reaction was rather unexpected, and he looked slightly confused. Was he wanting something different? A gun maybe? What the hell did he want?

“I can come back another day if you need time to process this,” such a childish smile on his face, happy to get her attention. He was not going to let her have a life outside him anymore.

His comment made her angry, so angry.

Suddenly his hand reached the free space on the sofa next to him.

“Sit with me, please.”

She approached him one step, and then another. She desperately tried to figure out how was he free again, how did he know where to find her, what were his plans now… she wasn’t prepared to deal with him like that, finding him sitting on her living room one day. Her recreation of that reunion usually included him in a hospital bed. Unfortunately, that was such a realistic, ideal, scenario.

Completely unable to decide by herself she followed his instructions, sitting a few centimeters from him. When her eyes reached his, he was smiling, apparently happy to see her. He really looked like a brother who was visiting after so much time away.

That behavior did little to calm her.

“Have you escaped from the hospital?” Another simple question. It was an incredibly stupid question she wasn’t able to avoid.

He smiled.

“I’m already dead. You’ll see…” She wanted to ask more, but something in his tone dissuaded her. Then she asked anyway.

“What?” His gesture made clear that he wasn’t going to say anything else.

“It doesn’t matter at all, no. I want to hear more about you. Tell me,” he suddenly slouched back against the sofa, leaving behind all too fake politeness and choosing such a natural position instead. “Working for Münzer & Collegen, in Dresden, that’s really impressive. Since when?”

It had been something she had felt incredibly proud of, being hired by one of the biggest law firms in the city. The work had been surprisingly stressful but also an invaluable learning experience. She was happy with the resulting combination, though.

She was probably going to say something he already knew so she didn’t consider hiding much.

“I… finished school last spring and I started working a couple months ago…”

“I guess that’s when you moved to Dresden.”

“Yes, from Heidelberg.” She couldn’t avoid a rough tone the moment she pronounced the town she had been forced to abandon because of him.

He remained silent, focusing once again his attention on the living room. She wondered what he found so interesting about that room.

“I’m still moving stuff and… the apartment is quite empty.” Not that it mattered to him, but wasn’t he asking about meaningless details about her life?

“I see. Don’t worry, you’re still in the process of creating a new life. You’ll be able to invest future earnings and free time on it. In no time you’ll be completely integrated.” Said like a brother trying to comfort his sister over daily life problems.

That was a surprising answer and it reflected on her face. He simply stayed with his blank expression. Again, that expression changed completely, turning into that combination of sadness, tiredness, and apathy that was the most genuine expression he had ever shown her as an adult. The one she saw in that abandoned house near Frankfurt little before trying to kill herself. It made no sense.

“You think I’m here because I want to destroy the life you have built, but you couldn’t be more wrong.”

It wasn’t wrong to consider that the past could repeat itself, and Johan liked to follow some patterns on that matter.

“Why then?” That anxiety betrayed her and showed on her tone.

“I want to know more about your life in the last three years. Nothing else.”

No, nothing could be that easy with him. Even if his intentions were that kind, he destroyed everything whether aimed to do so or not. But it was indeed good news. If only she could trust him.

“It’s up to you to believe anything I say. However-”

“And what about others? Even if you say I will be safe…” She interrupted him but wasn’t even able to continue talking. He didn’t seem to like that interruption, as his cold eyes showed.

“I’ve got plenty of opportunities to kill those you consider as friends: Dr. Reichwein and the little Dieter are extremely easy. And I’m not pleased with how much you have shared with them, especially that child. And there they are, living their little happy lives.”

She was panicking just by hearing him pronounce those names. He was right. And she already knew that, but she needed to hear it from him.

“I don’t want your presence to affect them, in any way possible…” Such an amazing blackmail Johan had there, so obvious it wasn’t even possible to hide.

“I don't expect otherwise. You’re too kind. That’s what I was going to say.” A cheerful expression.

“You won’t… hurt them?” She wanted to believe him so badly, but her naïveté had some limits.

“In fact, I would prefer if no one knew that I’ve been here.” His voice ended almost in a whisper.

Another surprise. Causing the apocalypse was nothing that could be kept in secret. However… was that Johan’s plan? Was he going to destroy and destroy as long as he was alive and free? She didn’t know him that well, but it sounded vague and pathetic. And he was way more complex than that.

Considering his words as true, just considering, threw immediately some interesting ideas. She was starting to wonder… could it be possible, to kill the monster with kindness? Or at least stop it, somehow… make it less dangerous. Johan had just woken up after three years in a coma, after a suicide that wasn’t either perfect nor successful. He had no plans for that situation and his current confusion was something she could use to her own advantage. Even if manipulating Johan was the most complex thing she could ever try… she still had a hidden weapon, herself. She should still try first how much he wanted her. If he wanted her at all.

“Not even Dr. Tenma?”

His expression, almost kind before, turned hostile even… scared? What the…?

“He neither.”

Nina looked around, trying to understand the position she was in, considering all her brother said was true.

Maybe, just maybe… they could have a deal. It was worth trying.

“So… according to your words you only came back because you want to know about me, see me… all your interest is exclusively directed towards me.” She summarized, hopeful and terrified at the same time.

“That’s correct. For now.”

“And that also means that you have no intentions of going back to any sort of criminal activities. Not underworld banking, no neo-nazis, no gangsters… and of course, no murder.” That would be impressive. But again, worth trying.

His lowered sight turned back to her with a bright smile.

“I never said that.” That was bad. “But it’s true that I have reduced interest in returning to my past criminal activities. You can include assassination in that list. For now.” He knew how to please her for sure. But it was already better than anything she could consider, even her most optimistic dreams.

It was so easy for him to please her.

“That means that I have, in front of me, a non-murderous and genuinely interested brother…”

“You are now being too naïve. But at the same time somehow right.” A timid smile on his lips. So false.

It was working, somehow, they were sharing some sort of normal communication. It had been the best one in a decade.

She was indeed being too naïve but there existed no other way if she wanted to avoid being the one starting hostility between them.

Also… she was curious. Again, too innocent. But she wanted to know, even if it was too late. She wanted to know how he would react to the kind, cheerful sister she was meant to be. Even now.

The universe had granted her that little, suicidal opportunity, why not using it?

It wasn’t worth the risk, and that’s why she was going to try anyway.

“Then I’m going to believe all that you said and offer you a deal.” She paused for some seconds, trying to find the proper words. “Let’s tear each other apart if necessary, but whatever happens from now on, will be between us and only us. No Dr. Tenma, Dr. Reichwein or others. No Roberto, Christoph or other… people you are involved with neither.” His eyes showed nothing. “Only you and me. Here.”

He remained in silence, considering the deal as he sat straight once again. Was that a good sign?

“Are you sure you are capable of dealing with me by yourself? You know I’ll have no compassion…” What cruel blue eyes he showed at that moment.

“No. But I would like to try. Can you?” He also smiled then.

“Yes.” They both knew that wasn’t true. “The question is, do you really want that? You have a whole life ahead of you, an already stressing one. Me being here means the return of a past you are trying to leave behind. You are going to choose this past over the future.”

Then she was the one that remained silent for a while. But she wasn’t pondering an answer she perfectly knew, just considering if it was wise to share those details with a revenant brother.

“I’ve already struggled with that past I’ve never left behind, not anymore. Dealing with you is not only something I have to do but also something I want.” She could have said something about all the times she had visited him in the Bayern Police Hospital, though it was too much information. He probably already knew, it was something as simple as asking any nurse or doctor.

“You understand that all that normal life you have is in danger, regardless of my own behavior…” His smile was there, barely visible, cruel and happy at the same time. Like he had found a new toy to play he had lost long ago.

She was indeed aware of the risk towards her sanity, one that had already been deteriorated during the last years, and by him.

Bloodless maybe, but not less dangerous for her.

“I understand and assume that risk.”

She couldn’t avoid a smile of relief. She was still in great danger but knowing that she could focalize Johan’s attention on herself was indeed a relief. If it worked.

“Just the two of us.” She said. That left her with a little margin to think and understand the situation and all possible developments.

“Just the two of us.” He repeated, genuinely satisfied. Or what seemed like that.

They stayed in silence for some time, until she broke it.

“I only have another condition…” She smiled, teasing, even when she was the one scared, really scared about the whole idea.

“That is…” Her evident fear only made him more interested.

“You are going to live with me, here.”

He broke into a little laughing fit.

“You are not prepared for something like that and I don’t want you to live in fear like... right now.” It had finally become so obvious how he was teasing her. But instead of being annoyed by that it only reminded her of the boy he had once been, and how that boy used to do something similar.

“That’s something I’ll only know if I try. The same applies to you.”

“I’ll stay here then.” Such a velvety voice as he reached the inner pocket of his blazer, showing her a silenced Beretta. All the tranquility she had found after a normal conversation disappeared.

 “In case you ever regret this,” there it was, the cruel smirk on his lips. One she had never seen before.

She took the gun. It had been three years since the last time she had one on her hands. Forgetting everything said for a moment, she considered his offer, it would be so easy to kill him, right now, and finish everything for good. No one should know anything, neither Tenma nor Reichwein. She could just call the police afterward and explain. Her arrangement with them was good enough and entitled her to kill him in case he ever became a threat again. It would be considered self-defense after all he had done to her. But… could she? Aim to kill, desire to kill. No, she didn’t… she had forgotten that pitiful revenge of hers in the streets of Prague.

Nina stood up, reaching the commode near the sofa and hiding the gun in the second drawer, next to a metallic box that belonged to him too.

When she turned her best smile was brightly drawn on her lips and her tone was as energetic as it used to be.

“Come, I’ll show you your bedroom.”

He also showed a polite smile, even though his eyes brightened with interest, leaving all apathy behind. “I’d appreciate that,” then he stood up following her into the corridor.

They were both trying to recognize in the other the figure of a twin that they had both lost so long ago. Pathetic, wasn’t it?

 

* * *

 

It had been hours and all awkward superficial conversation had just died, so they spent time in silence in that tiny living room. Johan had been checking for a while the books in her shelves, choosing one that apparently got his attention and going back to the sofa, sitting still, very still, reading. Or just looking at the pages.

On the other side, she somehow ended up focusing her attention on the amazing chaos of notes, reports, and interviews that comformed her new case and had been forgotten on the table.

Then she found it, a paper with a handwriting that wasn’t hers, even though it looked quite similar. More elegant. It was a guideline to handle that case with different approaches that would have hardly crossed her mind. She turned towards him, questioning.

“I made you some notes. It would be easier to handle it that way.” he didn’t look at her.

She read them again.

“Do you understand them?”

Of course, she did. At least she had the same knowledge in criminal law than him.

“Yes, yes… I think so. I’m going to study them. Thanks.”

“Glad to help.” What a diligent brother she had.

Then silence.

“Hmm… don’t you want to bring… some luggage from your place?” He must live somewhere… no?

“I would like.” He left the book on the coffee table and stood up. He seemed to wait for some permission, smiling. She did the same, standing in front of him. Oh, he was a little bit taller than she expected.

“You can just go…” She didn’t like the idea of him leaving one bit, but at the same time, she needed that solitude so badly.

“Are you sure?” He seemed to still enjoy all the teasing, the attention. Let him play.

“Yes?” She gave him her best smile, also teasing. “Go, pick everything you need and come back.” A fun game, to give him orders.

“Alright. I’ll be back in a couple hours. Maybe more.”

The main door closed and then there was that familiar silence, so comforting.

               

* * *

 

Nina spent that night lying awake in her bed, attention completely focused on any noise her brother might do.

She had first panicked as he had left in order to get his stuff and now she was panicking again. She was fully aware of how incredibly stupid her decision was. Not only for not calling the police but also for letting him in.

No, it wasn’t that crazy.

Johan had come to her and she was retaining him until she figured out what to do. She wanted to understand her position, his intentions and what was left of their relationship.

Calling the police would make him distrustful and he would have disappeared again. He would be angrier and probably more dangerous. And then any deal would mean nothing, really mean nothing at all.

There was some hope left. Hope about stopping him in a completely different way. A plan only she could carry on. Not even Dr. Tenma was that crazy.

She was much more naïve than she had ever thought.


	3. Day 1. The agreement (III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little surprise for Johan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one with Johan's POV.
> 
> I'll include some more of these since Nina's POV is a little too empty sometimes, and the interesting and unpredictable character is actually Johan.
> 
> They'll become longer as I decide exactly what's going on for him. Also, I'm considering making him suffer a mental breakdown in the future (poor boy). I really don't know what is that for someone like Johan e.e :/

Once upon a time, there was a little princess who lived in a pretty castle. Once upon a time, there was a monster who lived. The monster and the princess destinies were no longer drawn together as one.

And then the monster and the princess became one once again.

Nina had become such a coward. He had been disappointed to see all the fear in her eyes the moment she found him at home. She feared him the same way she had the night he killed the Lieberts.

Where was that sister who struck him as incredibly resilient? Had she existed at all? He knew it was the same twin, with only one huge difference. She had had nothing to lose for so long, and now she had so much.

He understood. She understood. Nothing surprising on that reaction. Everything worked as planned.

It was then when she had opened the door to her world, to the only one that could destroy it completely and without any compassion. And then a rational and understandable behavior was transformed in chaos and delusion. It was such a stupid decision, what was she thinking?

Since when was it so safe to let him in?

Was she capable of dealing with him?

She could, if only she finally turned into a real monster.

He couldn’t understand that irrationality, that naïveté in her sister’s choice, and that misunderstanding caught him off guard. All of the sudden he wanted more, as the pathetic dialog he had pictured as their goodbye had created a whole different scenario. He wasn’t completely pleased, as his plans could be changed so easily by her words. Nothing that important now.

It was meant to be their goodbye as he was convinced to finish his existence that same night. He had spent an hour on his apartment, the suitcase next to him, holding the gun on his hands, studying both paths. He was convinced all left for him was death, and nothing more. Any other idea seemed irrational and boring. Same with their new deal.

Johan wasn’t someone who allowed himself to follow the petty ideas that deviated him from his main goal. He would have rejected that same proposition in any other moment, as surprising as it was. But now it was different. Suicide couldn’t be considered a plan.

He was granted a wish that had burned under his skin for a decade, even if it was too late and he no longer cared about being allowed to be there. He wanted her no more.

Death could wait some days. Maybe she would get tired and kill him or, even better, she would die with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've chosen a more broken and suicidal Johan than ever as an explanation for his calm behavior and lack of interest in crimes for now. I think it's the only way Nina would tolerate him there. And I want them to interact much more, so badly :3
> 
> On the other side, I want to talk a lot about the twins' mental health, since I find incredibly interesting how they both have used strategies so different to deal with their own traumas.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Any comments, criticisms or opinions are welcome, always :)


	4. Day 8. His amnesia

The view of her brother’s figure as she crossed the entrance of her apartment was both unsettling and comforting. It had been a whole week, seven long days in which she had been going on with her life as nothing happened, and Johan had just stayed in her apartment, just stayed. Not talking unless she was the one to start, helping with all the chores with his usual meticulousness, the one she remembered from the child he once was, being little more than a ghost when he was not needed.

“I’m going to give you some time to decide your strategy, since I had some time myself to do so,” he had said the morning after his arrival, as if he was talking to an opponent on a chess game.

And he had done it.

And she appreciated it.

It had been a whole week and she was prepared to tear him apart, at least as prepared as she could be for something like that. Now with a whole weekend ahead looked like the proper moment.

“Good evening!” she greeted as usual. The cheerful Nina had been back since day one. It had been amusing to appreciate Johan’s surprise, even for a second, the moment she started behaving like that, like the sister he never had in Heidelberg, but he had stalked so much.

But that behavior had little of natural, so much of strategic thinking. It was her way to normalize his presence in her life, a behavior that was forgetting all that happened during the last six years and it was also her first attack, as she was going to kill him with kindness, at least until he was the first turning hostile. What was he going to do to the kind sister he longed so much?

He greeted her with a polite smile, as mechanic as the previous days.

“I guess you are hungry, the dinner is ready in the kitchen,” gaze lowered again to that interesting book of constitutional law.

He didn’t mind helping her with everything, staying in the same room than her for hours but, oh no, eating together was too much intimacy for him. She was sure he had had many business meetings that ended on a dining table, if not as a bank CEO as Schuwald’s secretary, but she was too much. She had insisted, and he simply had ignored her, as she had invited him to sit with her.

“Have you already eaten?” She left the coat and the handbag on a chair.

“Yes.” That book must be really interesting.

So far, the evening started, as usual, her enjoying a meal Johan had magically summoned and him passing the time reading. Could he cook? She had her doubts but… why not? He had lived on his own for so long… just a little detail she ignored about him.

She finished her dinner and went back to the room, sitting on the other sofa, attention completely focused on him. As an answer, he left the book on the coffee table and waited, with a blank expression.

“Can I ask you for something?” She asked. A lovely smile on his lips, so sweet. At that moment he really looked like a brother.

“Are you ready for the answer?”

“Let’s add a little clause to our deal, because without it anything we do is meaningless.” A deep breath, since her nerves started to betray her as the game had just started. “Let’s be honest, always, anything we say must be true… if you are not going, to be honest, don’t say anything, ok? But… lies are completely useless now.” Nina wasn’t naïve enough to think Johan would be honest, at anything at all, but at least she was being clear about preferring the truth, as terrible as it is, to any petty lie.

“I have always been honest with you, Nina, and of course with Anna. I have only lied either to protect you, when it was absolutely necessary, or because I was being wrong, so I lied to myself too. What makes you think I would start now? Are you afraid of being manipulated by me?” A cruel, slow smile, curved his lips.

They hadn’t spoken that much to verify his words, but she was sure it was already a lie. Johan lied and lied again, and when he wasn’t lying he was hiding. His whole person was a complete masquerade.

“No. I’m just rejecting your protection. And… I think… I know you too well, you can’t manipulate me like you did with others… not that easily.”

He suddenly leaned forward, getting close to her. His eyes piercing her without compassion. She needed no other answer to understand, but he offered anyways.

“You are wrong. It might be different, but you are vulnerable, very vulnerable.” His tone turned rapidly into a concerned one, as if he was afraid she would become a victim too easily. “I’ll show you soon, so you’ll understand.” An amused smile.

“Didn’t you just want to know about me…?” she repeated his same words, wondering if there was any secret purpose after that one. For example, destroying her completely. He could be angry as she got back her previous life, like nothing relating him actually happened.

He sat straight once again.

“Exactly. You have changed so much in those three years,” his eyes left hers and checked her whole self and forgot about his previous vague threat. She was sure he could tell every single new detail, anything. For the first time she considered his words, and how they could be true. He had stalked her for sure, controlled every one of her movements. Three years in the dark might be indeed unsettling for him.

“Ok, I don’t mind, what do you want to know?” Of course, she minded.

“I want to know everything, like the real reason after all your visits in the Bayern Police Hospital. Why did you come?” His tone turned so casual like it was the first question coming to his mind.

“I wanted to see you, really see your face. I’m not used to it yet…” Those features were so familiar it was disturbing. There was so much that matched the face she saw in a mirror, so much that matched the face she found in her memories.

“That might explain a couple visits, but you came much more often, stayed for much longer. You also talked a lot.” He had to know that. Perfect. “I just find it curious. You forgot me for a decade, then you felt just hate, fear, and repulsion over me and finally, by the moment you could just forget me again I grabbed so much of your attention. I can’t understand it. Didn’t you consider killing me as I was asleep?”

“No! Of course not!” His gesture so disappointed, so clearly disappointed.

“Don’t you regret forgiving me?”

“Neither.” Maybe soon, but she wasn’t able to tell just now. “But… does it mean anything to you?”

His eyes left her immediately, like running away.  He waited some seconds before answering.

“Not now. I already told you, some things cannot be undone.” His eyes turned nostalgic, even if it was just a second.

She understood those words. They meant nothing, simply because she had been too late.

“And I’m sorry, for everything I’ve done to you…”

“Don’t be, unless they make you feel better. I don’t care about regrets.”

He was right. It meant nothing to talk about their past versions, no. She was going to show him how wrong she was but not by condemning her past self but with actions, gestures of the present one. She was going to be a stupid suicidal once again.

“Are you happy?” he asked, out of the blue, after some seconds of silence.

The question was surprising.

“Yes, yes. I’ve got everything I wanted. I’m an attorney now, I have an amazing job, a rather cute apartment, a new city to start a new life… plenty of new social relationships...” She was just naming all she had that he could destroy. “I’m happier that I’ve ever been, yes.” Her last words sounded challenging, threatening even. Don’t you ever think of stealing that away from me, brother, they said.

He didn’t answer, but those eyes told her he was giving some serious thought to her words. Maybe too much. Did he think they were a lie?

“A new city to start a new life… but why Dresden?”

Why hide?

“It’s close to the Czech Republic.” She wasn’t expecting to discuss their origin so soon but… it didn’t matter that much, the timing. They weren’t ready. “I’ve visited the country some weekends…”

His eyes didn’t leave her for a second, but he said nothing.

“We are not German, but Czech and…” She smiled. “I want that country to mean something more to me, something different to the horrible events that defined our lives.”

“Then… do you prefer this?” For the first time in twenty years, he spoke Czech to her. Something she had no longer heard since they were reunited after he had been transferred to Kinderheim 511. Their mother had taught them German, but Czech had always been their primary language. At the moment they crossed the border they were turned into German citizens. And language had been the first lesson.

“Speak whatever you prefer…”

“But you also forgot you knew the language, didn’t you?”

“Yes… until that day, in Munich...” she was so ashamed of it, all the amnesia. At the moment she had found the book she understood how much she had been ignoring about their past, their common past. “You…?” She could ask too, no?

“I’ve never forgotten that we came from Czechoslovakia. But that’s all.”

What was all? What was left of his memories, his identity once he left Kinderheim 511? She knew little about that orphanage that broke her brother completely. And she was afraid to ask, as she had been afraid back then when he came back to her. And because she was afraid, she asked.

“You lost all… all your memories in Kinderheim 511…?” She thought so, but he had never told her.

“Yes.”

“Johan… why didn’t you tell me that when we met again?” She was angry with him and his incapability to ask for help. Never, under any circumstances, he would do something like that. “I could have helped you, told you everything… why not?” Because his lack of trust was that big.

But his answer was surprisingly sincere.

“Because I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and I was terrified. I couldn’t put it into words.” He smiled, timidly, his eyes lost somewhere on the coffee table. “You also seemed so happy, and I didn’t want to scare you.”

He could indeed manipulate her so easily, of course, he could. He only needed to remind her of that pale boy he had been and how much he had cared about her. She wanted to think that they, the boy and the man, were two different people, but she failed, over and over.

“But you remember now… some of them… no?” That hypnosis had triggered everything, and her memories returned, chaotic and painful, during the next months. She had thought Johan had followed a similar path but… she couldn’t be sure.

“No. As you told me about my mistake, the only memory I have on that country is the moment when mother decided I was the one unwanted, and then she changed her mind, sacrificing you instead. That’s all.”

What? Her astonishment reflected so easily on her face. But she couldn’t believe it. He answered with his usual apathy.

“So… Don’t you remember anything else? Anything at all?” She considered all the little, mundane memories that were the only ones when she was happy. The ones where he was always there.

Johan had been adorable. Adorable, sweet and kind, even if he had also been selfish, cryptic and sometimes a disturbing. She loved, now, that little boy, more than she thought it was possible, knowing what he had become.

It seemed that the boy was dead after all. Forgotten by himself.

“I don’t know the sort of child I was back then, but understand that he’s dead. Whatever memory you have of him has no relation with me.” His voice was so impersonal, like pointing a fact so obviously true. “When I was in Prague, I went many times to the Three Frogs, only to discover that the place was completely foreign to me and even though I know we lived there, I can’t recall any real memory of it. I could remember the sign, though.”

So… she had been completely wrong, all that time. She had considered that the Johan she found in Ruhenheim was… like her. That they finally had found the past they shared.

He was right, though. Would have been the same if he had always remembered himself if he had some sort of anchor to the human he once was? No… probably not, or maybe yes, somehow similar, but even in those circumstances…

However, the most shocking thing was that he actually didn’t remember her, not as a twin, barely. Their relationship had worsened as he came back from the Kinderheim 511, as he isolated himself even more than usual and she had felt a little betrayed by that behavior of his. And that’s all he could remember about them being siblings.

Before she could stop it, her eyes got completely teary. God, she wasn’t expecting something like that.

“I don’t want to remember.” Those words were a real threat. His eyes also were.

She understood, of course, she did, but logic couldn’t stop the disappointment. What was she for her brother? Something different than a complete stranger?

“I promise I’ll never refer to anything of that past in Prague unless you explicitly ask.”

He smiled, mechanic, but… did his eyes show a bit of relief?

“Thank you.”

He also rejected all memories of her in a certain way.

“Enough about myself. Tell me about you.”

And so, she spent the next couple hours explaining to him what had been of her life. How she had returned to Heidelberg a couple months after his injury to return to that life she had left three years before. All the difficulties, the economic ones, the academical ones, and also all the media frenzy that was created about his mysterious person, that actually never revealed much more.

All the tiny details about the process to get back a normal life but forgetting all the ones about her struggle with her mental health, the most important topic about those three years, but one she was in no way going to share with him. Probably that was what he wanted to know, though.

He listened to her, extremely interested, in complete silence unless he wanted to ask something. He was interested indeed, or at least he seemed so. She wondered how much of that attention was real, if he still wanted her enough to stalk her like that, in order to collect all the information, he could about her.

By the moment she ended her speech she was sure, that… interest, maybe even love in a twisted way, was something she should test. If Johan was able to feel anything at all for her, she had to know, wanted to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter with a well behaved Johan, but he knows he has to gain her trust before attacking.
> 
> Silly Nina, trusting him so easily. Or maybe not.


	5. Day 9. The monster of her nightmares (I)

She appeared through the living’s room door, still wearing that old clothing that had turned into her pajama, on that Saturday morning. He always wore the same turtlenecks and blazers, but she cared little about dressing up at home, she hadn’t done it before and she was not going to change her habits only because he was living there.

He had prepared coffee and his cup was there at the table while he was looking with curious eyes a painting.

“Good morning!” she combed her hair with her fingers. “Do you ever sleep, Johan?” Nina smiled before disappearing into the kitchen, getting out with a cup and a muffin. “And do you ever eat?”

“You have already seen me sleeping for three years. Wasn’t that enough?” He smiled. “Someday you’ll see me eating, maybe.” He reached the table again and took a sip of his coffee after sitting on that sofa that was his now. “But I don’t want you to think we are living together.” His tone turned serious, so serious. His eyes fixed on her, waiting.

She sat, feeling uncomfortable. He wanted to talk.

“You didn’t answer yesterday.”

“What?”

“I asked you why you have visited me so much in the hospital. You never gave me an answer.”

Of course. She was being too innocent thinking she could escape any of his questions. He continued.

“Living in Heidelberg, with limited time and resources... it was completely unnecessary. Why? What interest did you have in watching me lying on a bed?”

She pondered about the correct answer, if there was one, taking a little piece of her muffin as an excuse to stop looking at him.

“I was turning you into my brother, again. And seeing you regularly, talking to you regularly, even if you couldn’t hear me, was part of that plan.”

“And why do you want a brother now?”

“It’s not that I want anything…” He was making her so nervous. She had no answers to those questions, not even for herself, and even less something to tell him. “But… I…” She sighed. “I’m interested in you.”

“Interested in me… me?” he tilted his head to one side showing sincerely faked surprise as his eyes opened so much. “The memories of me when we were twins? Or the criminal who killed your foster parents?”

“Both. All of you.” All that complex creature she was still unable to understand. “I’m not making you disappear from my life, ever again. You wanted me to remember you and here are the consequences. Now you have a sister, like it or not and…” her words didn’t make any sense.

“And?” his expression had turned so cheerful. He was going to attack at the moment she stopped talking. But she was expecting that anyway.

“I know you rejected me, my forgiveness… anything...” She wanted to ask and she did. “Johan… what am I for you? Do you consider me your sister? A complete stranger? I’m still figuring out who are you for me, and what relationship I want to have with you. But it makes no sense to think about them unless I know what I am for you and what you want.”

He didn’t seem to have an answer either, as he required some seconds to start talking. He might be designing a lie too. He suddenly leaned forward.

“We used to be siblings, but not anymore. And it will remain the same.” Silence, as he focused all his attention on her, his piercing eyes upon her. What was he looking? “I’m going to leave in a few days and we’ll never see each other again.”

Was he happy with being her personal stalker? Did he really want nothing more? He had always been extremely methodical, that’s something she remembered so well, so he probably already knew everything anyone could know about her. He had skills, time and resources so his need for asking her personally sounded empty, no? He even accepted staying with her and he still remained there, even when he already knew everything he wanted, and she was allowing all of this.

There was only one explanation for that behavior.

“Are you planning to kill yourself?” She suspected so. That was the last thing he tried to do before the coma, and probably the only plan left after it. For some reason, he wanted her company at the moment of his death.

“Yes.” He smiled, happy, relieved. “Since neither of you had any intention to kill me I’ve decided to do it myself.”

She had no idea how to feel, but her perturbed expression made him frown slightly. She had never considered he could do that, as she had never considered he would be free again. It would be really difficult for him to carry it out in a prison or an institution, but being free… god, she didn’t want him to die. Not when he had accepted her deal and he was behaving like her brother. But thinking of it… he probably was being like that because he was going to die soon.

“I don’t want you to die…” Amusing to think that she had fired a dozen bullets at him during the last years.

“I don’t care what you want.” Why would he? She wasn’t asking him to stay alive for her.

“I… I know.”

He smiled again.

“It’s actually amusing to see your expression right now, Nina. After forgetting me for a decade, after leaving everything behind just to chase me for three years, with the sole objective of killing me.” He made a little pause. “You have only felt anger, fear or pain every time you thought of me during the last fifteen years and now you are sad because I’m dying? This is my present for you, sister, my life. As you wanted for so long.”

“I don’t want it.” Anger betrayed her for the first time. And she wanted so badly to get angry at him, to scorn him for hours and hours.

“You don’t know what you want.” His disdain was so clear.

Enough. Before being aware she was standing again.

“I know what I want, Johan, I’ve known it for years. What? A brother, a real one. Someone I can love and trust. And someone who would love and trust me back too. But you failed in doing both, especially the latter. Have you ever, really trusted me? Anyone at all? Have you ever had any sort of real relationship with anyone?”

His answer was slouching back against the sofa, ignoring completely her accusations.

“No, I don’t really know what a ‘real relationship’ is, Nina, but I’ve never been interested in figuring out. Despite my good past intentions, I guess I’ve never trusted you the way you desire and that’s why our relationship ended the way it did that rainy night. I never entrusted you with my monstrosity and you decided to get rid of any memory of me the second you found out. I’m not saying that your reasons weren’t perfectly valid, but I was the one who had to adjust to the rejection and move on. And I did it, but I’ve never forgiven you and that’s why I couldn’t die unless you remembered me. Now I want to know about you but that’s all relationship I want with you.” His tone, that had remained so calm, turned suddenly accusatory, so clearly accusatory. He was getting angry at her words. It seemed he wasn’t ignoring her after all. “I can’t stand your forgetfulness anymore. It’s so selfish.”

She hadn’t expected such a long and sincere speech from him, so her first reaction was surprise. Also, secret gratitude. Even though it was unbelievable that he was accusing her of being selfish, he, of all people.

“If you accuse me of being selfish it must really be true since I have never met anyone as egoistic and narcissist as you. In fact, I’m sure you are not even aware of it, how careless you are, and times when I thought you were cruel and abominable you were just being that, too selfish and rash. Am I wrong Johan? Did you consider, for one moment, what were you destroying the night you shot the Lieberts? No, of course not. We could have done it, you know, have a whole life together, like real siblings. We could have grown up in Düsseldorf, gone to school, to the Gymnasium, to law school. Why did you pose as a law student in Munich, Johan? Any particular reason to choose the same degree I was studying in Heidelberg? We could have also started working together, even in the same law firm. I would love to think that you simply didn’t care about that. However, the truth is much more pathetic, am I wrong? You would have liked that, a normal life, back then. It would have been the best for both of us, but especially for you, to heal after the hell you were through in Kinderheim 511. I would have loved to help you, take care of you. It would have been tough, but you could have recovered and been able to deal with a normal life. I would have helped you, always. But no, oh no. You… being weak, somehow human? Anything but that. So, you threw that life together into the garbage and choose to be the monster instead. No, not that, you weren’t a monster that night, just a selfish child, an incredibly selfish one. And you destroyed everything you wanted, everything I wanted because you weren’t careful.”

That’s why he had cried so helplessly the moment he had seen her when he had recovered from the surgery. His expression had been terrified as he tried to reach her with his hand because only at that moment he understood what he had done.

His sight remained low and his lips slightly curved in a smile that showed anything but happiness. She had seen that expression before, in Ruhenheim.

“You are right.” He seemed to want a reaction from her and he had finally gotten one. “And that’s why, despite all the pain it caused to me, I understand why you chose to get rid of me after that night.” He repeated.

Oh, what a nice brother, sacrificing himself for the sake of his sister’s well-being. A pity that the sweet talk meant nothing as he had come back to destroy everything he had given to her.

“And… why did you come back then?” She asked again. It was hard enough to remain calm with him there, asking those questions… but he was so open, so talkative, so she made her best effort to try and understand his own behavior even if that meant to get rid of all the accusatory words she wanted to say.

“I’ve told you. I knew I was going to die soon and I wanted you to remember me.” His expression changed, slightly, turning into a little smirk as his eyes looked at her as cold as intense. That was the very true face of the monster. “Instead of killing me, or simply rejecting me, you forgot. How were you capable of doing something like that?” The accusation was there, again.

Her angry face meant nothing to him.

“After a whole life together…” and he was pushing more and more.

He won. All her fear was forgotten, replaced by the anger only him can cause. She approached him.

“Have we ever been together?” She approached him, forgetting the criminal on the run that was sitting next to her and seeing only the brother. The hell with Johan. “Do you really want to know the whole truth?” A pause. She wanted him to know. “I was afraid, genuinely terrified of you. If you were capable of killing them so easily, why wouldn’t you be able to do the same with me the next day?”

His eyes reached her again, in what seemed a genuine surprise.

“I didn’t forget you, Johan, I blocked any thought that came close to you because I couldn’t endure the terror I felt, I was so afraid... I couldn’t stand it so, making you disappear was the only way to somehow survive. Understand that I wasn’t angry, but terrified. Terrified of what you could do to me.”

And she was the one that wanted him to stay alive now.

“I would have never done anything to you.” His voice was serene, but not his eyes. As she had feared he had never considered that possibility.

“I know, now I’m sure of that, but not then.” Almost a whisper.

He lowered his sight, lost in his own thoughts. And she looked at him, wondering what was crossing his mind, knowing he wouldn’t share it. But she could see it, how his eyes brightened more than usual, teary.

She was moved by that picture. Any tears for the adult self would be false but he still felt something for the girl she had been and knowing he had hurt her like that was an awful feeling, even for him. So she sat next to him. Her voice turned then soft even though her words kept being cruel.

“I want you to know the truth. You deserve to know.” His eyes came back to her when she took his hands. “You have never been easy to understand or predict. Never. So much that I’ve found you disturbing, even when you were always incredibly kind and sweet with me. There’s nothing wrong with that and I was always so proud of my annoyingly smart and strange brother. I liked you the way you were. But there’s also a problem, a huge one, and it’s your absolute lack of real communication. You share nothing about yourself, no thoughts, no opinions, not even genuine reactions to anything. And back then it was painful for me, especially when we moved to Düsseldorf because I felt like… you didn’t care at all about me. You used that vague, empty politeness you turned into your mask. I perfectly understand it know but, again, I didn’t back then. I really want you to know that you paid a high price for that privacy, that lack of trust, at least with me. And I’m so sorry that you weren’t aware of it.” And with the same gentle gesture, she set his hands free.

“You know I had already killed by then. Did you want to know that?” He was looking at the window behind her. Eyes still wet, even when not a single tear had fallen from them. He had such beautiful ice blue eyes.

“Do you prefer how things happened? How I found you with the gun in your hands?” She didn’t want to get angry at those eyes. “Neither of us can hypothesize about any alternate outcome but I can promise you that I would have done anything to gain your trust, it doesn’t matter how terrible your secrets were.”

“You are right. I probably never considered that I was being too introverted and therefore neglecting you. However, that knowledge wouldn’t have changed much. I would probably have left earlier as our relationship was hopeless.”

He knew how to hurt her too. But she was so happy to listen to his thoughts to even care about how they made her feel.

They remained in silence for a couple minutes.

“Aren’t you lonely? So isolated?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember anything different to be able to properly evaluate my own loneliness.”

His eyes got lost on that same window for some long seconds, before talking again.

“You felt that our relationship was one-sided, but it wasn’t. I might share nothing, but I trusted you, more than I’ve trusted anyone. And I’ve never trusted anyone again.”

“Do you miss it?”

He didn’t seem to be annoyed by her curiosity, so she continued asking questions.

“No. I remember too little. You?”

“Yes.” She could have tried to lie, but it was too obvious. A mistake.

“You shouldn’t. I only hurt and damaged you even when I was trying to do my best. And you shouldn’t tell me, because this very conversation has given me tools to destroy you in dozens of different ways.”

How funny, she was asking him to trust, he was asking her not to trust.

“You wanted to know me, no? There you have the truth. Do as you please with it.” It was very risky, but he deserved that portion of truth from her. At least she wanted that. And knowing about his suicidal intentions only made her more careless. “Then you understand that I also want to know everything about you. I wasn’t able to handle it as a ten-year-old girl but I can do it now.”

“I had nothing to offer you about myself and that’s not going to change now.” But he had already offered her a lot, much more than ever before. But he wasn’t talking about information, no, but about connection.

“That’s a little unfair, don’t we have a deal?” She managed to smile.

He smiled back for some reason.

“And in that deal, I offered you safety for your loved ones. And some honest, unpleasant conversations. You offered me your heart apparently. And your home.” He looked at his coffee, the one he hadn’t touched since she had appeared. “You need to learn to negotiate properly.”

“Then I‘ll ask you as a personal favor, can I? I would like to have many other honest unpleasant conversations like this one, ok?”

“I’ll consider it.”


	6. Day 9. The monster of her nightmares (II)

Nina was being ingenuous, so much it seemed stupidity. She was too intelligent for that, why was she acting that way? She was really relying on his intentions. She shouldn’t trust him, and she knew it too well, why was she doing that anyway?

Did she really cared if he died?

Did she really care if he destroyed her with him?

He had suspected it from the very beginning, but her behavior confirmed his suspicions.

She was using him to punish herself as she guilt was slowly consuming her.

She desperately was trying to get close to him as loneliness was tearing her apart.

Nina was not happy, not at all.

After all the effort, she couldn’t be happy.

She might be dying with him.

_‘This is the end. You are going to die, and so am I.’_

She was right after all.


	7. Day 10. Her desires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nina again, naïve enough to think that breakfast with Johan can't be that dangerous.

The next morning Johan appeared through the kitchen door while she was making her breakfast.

“Good morning,” she greeted him, wondering how easy was to have him around, to get used to his presence. Johan knew how to get to her.

“Good morning,” he approached her. “Can I have a muffin, please?”

A mocking smile on her lips.

“Oh, so now you want food?” she checked some shelves. “There are also croissants… and yes, Vanillekipferl… oh, true, I’ve got some cereals too. Whatever you prefer,” she looked at him, dressed in complete black. So elegant. He sure invested an important amount of money in his closet. Absolutely worth it.

“Are you going out?” He was always there when she came back to work, but her schedules were so predictable… she wasn’t expecting him to stay indoors all day. She hoped he stayed, though.

“No. Why?” he reached the box with Vanillekipferl, taking one before leaving the rest on the kitchen table, while she was finishing to prepare coffee.

“Don’t you have more comfortable clothes to stay at home? Have you got any pajamas?” She teased, leaving the two cups on the table, while they remained standing. A little habit they had created, even when he only drank coffee, sometimes, while she had breakfast before going to work.

He laughed.

“No, and no. I always wear street clothes.”

“So, you wear blazers to sleep. I have to see that…” Oh, how easy was to play and tease him, as long as he behaved like a brother. She liked that so much, all the normal communication, the mundane one.

“I do. I don’t have steady sleeping patterns.” He took another vanilla biscuit. He was really eating in front of her.

She approached him, taking also a biscuit.

“Can I count on you from now on, at dinner?” Her better smile.

He smiled back in a polite gesture, a little too mechanic.

“I don’t mind eating with you every day or being around all the time. We could share your bedroom for what I care. But I don’t want to invade your daily life like that.” He suddenly smiled again. A cold one. “You are being brave enough by letting me stay at your place.”

“Am I being brave?” Yes, she was scared enough to call that bravery.

All of the sudden Johan’s hand reached her jaw, on a gentle caress, very gentle.

“You are still too afraid of me, no matter what I say or promise.”

She lowered her gaze, finding the cups on the table.

“No, it’s not fear.” A sigh. It was. “I just… I have no idea how to deal with you.” Nothing he didn’t know already. “You have no interests, no emotional attachment and of course no vulnerabilities. You do as you please, no matter how cruel or destructive it is, and the only I can do is…” His laughing made her stop speaking.

“It’s true that right now I have no reasons to exist, so… I’m harder than usual to deal with. However…” he almost laughed again. “Stop it. Don’t talk about me like I’m some sort of Angel of Death and you, from all the people, should know that. You know all of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities since they exist, also my mistakes.” then his voice turned into a whisper. “Don’t tell anyone, please, I prefer being the monster.”

Ok, for some reason he seemed happier than usual. Talking about suicide and such.

They were creating some sort of intimacy indeed. Johan was more talkative than she had ever imagined and she, despite all the discomfort Johan could cause, also felt happy and pleased having his attention. Exactly the same way she had felt as a child. Her fears where true, she missed him, the brother he had been once, enough to forgive him for everything if by doing so she could get him back. Impossible to be more pathetic.

“Then… tell me, how should I ‘deal’ with you?” She tried to sound teasing but was actually asking.

“You are doing well, and I like the idea of having an open deal, so there are no misunderstandings.” He took a sip of his coffee before continuing. “However… I’m not the only one who’s careless.”

“Am I being careless?” Oh no, he was like a shark about to attack.

“Yes. Your honesty about getting an open agreement was surprisingly smart and cold-headed. I simply couldn’t say no. But after that…” he smiled, a slow, cruel and dangerous one accompanied by the coldest stare. That gesture turned him into a real monster. “Are you out of your mind, sister?”

She looked at him, terror breaking through all the mundane happiness just a moments ago. So, he continued.

“You are a real danger for anyone around you.”

“What?”

Oh no…

He was doing it, he was really doing it. What she had feared during all those days was finally happening.

She was terrified. And then Johan smiled again, cold. She was going to experience, first hand, Johan’s abilities. After all, she had given him the information about herself he needed.

She froze.

“Don’t look so surprised, Nina, you know what I’m talking about.”

“No.” She knew.

“You do. But I’ll explain. Since yesterday it was me the one who was told the truth now it’s my turn. I have much to tell you too.”

Was that some sort of petty revenge? What the hell?

“You started so well that it was disappointing to discover that you aren’t such a good manipulator after all, even though I promised you as much time as you needed. We played for a week, so you had time to think, to protect yourself, and to get rid of your fear. But you’ve gone too far…”

She held her breath and her terrified expression was all Johan wanted.

“Too far with what? Can you make some sense?”

He left the cup on the table, getting close to her, so close. And his eyes looked so hungry, for destruction.

“As I told you, you are vulnerable, so vulnerable it’s painful to see you like this. I don’t know whether to pity or kill you. It would be so easy now to drive you directly to suicide. Would you like to die with me, Nina?”

The serenity of his expression couldn’t be more disturbing.

“What I mean is that you are the personification of the naïveté. You have always been. I was astonished by your behavior during the time you were chasing me, and how suicidal, careless and simple-minded it was. More than twenty people have already died because of it as I’ve spent so much time, money and effort protecting you. I was so exasperated that I made my interest in you vox populi, hoping that nobody would dare to anger me. The Baby is just one of them. You were so close to ending up a victim of human trafficking in Frankfurt… lucky you, I bought your freedom back.”

Oh… god. She had been aware of the danger but… he made it sound so real, so close. He continued.

“I thought you couldn’t be so stupid, that you were simply blinded by your anger. But no, you really are.”

She was teary, frozen by an attack she had not expected. A strange attack that kept going.

“But intelligence is indeed one of your greatest virtues, so… what am I missing, Nina?”

“I’m sorry if I’m not used to dealing with the criminal underworld as well as you. If you remember, I’ve just been a student for most of my life.”

He nodded.

“I know, I’m not asking about that. I give you the benefit of the doubt for that behavior back then, not now. And of course, not with me.”

Ah… there it was, the real question.

“So, you want to know why I’m being nice to you?” He was willing to torture her just to make a question.

“No. You could be kind and clever, and therefore manipulative. The first days you were like that, before turning into that emotional mess. Despite knowing me, really know me better than anyone, all you do is expose yourself. A couple of breakfasts together is all you needed.”

He was right, only partially right. But it was her time to attack, even if she needed to get a couple steps away from him.

“I don’t care about disappointing you, Johan. I’m sorry for not being a manipulative, cruel creature like you are. You think I’m not aware of what you are capable of?” She remained silent for a moment. “Remember what I told you yesterday? It can obviously be extrapolated to the adult you. You are a much worse narcissist, careless and childish automaton now driven by some primal destructive instincts that change as easily as you change clothes, or also names, in your case. You are weak enough to let some pathetic fairytales completely define your existence and coward enough to let a childhood trauma destroy you without even trying to do anything. Did you also turn the other cheek to your abusers in Kinderheim 511? Do you remember?” She smiled, so sweet, so cruel. She had learned that gesture from him. “Your true only virtue is a prodigious mind… Oh, true, you are also disciplined and meticulous, which would be good if you actually used them for some real purpose, not like learning a whole language to read books to someone.” She was too angry to stop. “Oh, how could I forget it. Another one, you have the pretty face of an angel, but I don’t want to know how you use your physical charms.” She chuckled. “You are not that bad it seems…”

Johan looked at her, without saying a word, any sort of reaction. Enough time for her to be aware of the overwhelming cruelty of her words. Not even him deserved that. She bit her lip, incredibly ashamed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” One step closer to him.

“Don’t be.” He interrupted, with perfect apathy. Was he annoyed, hurt? How did she dare to tease him with Kinderheim 511? That was a line she promised herself not to cross… “But then, why are you so suicidal?”

Oh no. She wasn’t going, to tell the truth, and as she had promised, not any lies either.

“I have no reasons to talk about such intimate matters with you.”

“Are you depressed?” All the coldness in his voice suddenly turned into sweetness. His voice was a caress, so comforting.

He was true, she wasn’t happy. Not depressed, just unhappy.

“You are.” He didn’t expect an answer.

“As I’ve told you, it’s none of your business. You have done enough to destroy any happiness of mine.”

She knew he was not going to stop, so she walked towards the door.

“You are so willing to listen to me but whenever the topic falls on you… you run away? I can give you the information you need, to know which tag of that book corresponds to me,” He smiled, referring to that big volume on the shelves of the living room, the DSM-IV. A present from Dr. Reichwein, willing to satisfy her curiosity. Of course, Johan had seen it, as he probably had checked everything on that house.

So, she answered her best.

“Oh, I don’t care much about what a doctor would say about you. Useless for someone like you. But I wanted to learn a couple things about myself.”

And she finally left forgetting that breakfast that was going to be the first one they would have had together.

 

* * *

 

They spent some hours of that cloudy Sunday keeping an awkward silence, and she could feel Johan’s eyes upon her, all the time. He was going to attack again anytime soon. She had only bought some time.

And he did.

He suddenly sat next to her, by the table in the living room.

“I’ve nothing to tell you, Johan.”

He smiled.

“I know. What I want you is to listen.”

That was way worse, she should have talked.

“Johan… I’m sorry I’ve told you such horrible things. I didn’t mean to… hurt you or…” He looked at her with dead eyes.

“Don’t be.” He repeated with the same monotonous tone than the first time, the same boredom. “Your pity is disgusting and pathetic.”

That hurt. But it made little sense for her to apologize, so she decided to shut up.

“This is exactly what I told you not to do, and you keep behaving like we were siblings trying to make some peace after a huge fight. We are nothing, Nina Fortner, just a criminal and one of his victims. Aren’t you an only child?” His attack about her carelessness turned so softly into an accusation.

She wasn’t. Nina Fortner had a missing brother. That’s the first thing she had checked as she recovered her life as a law student in Heidelberg. How did she never realize back then? A mystery for her.

“Then, who’s Eduard Fortner?”

“Just another one. That’s all. A child that never meant anything to even his own family, parents or sister, so it was declared dead in absentia sometime later.” He was right. “Nina Fortner never discovered the truth after recovering from her shock and so she learned so easily to be an only child. Forcing me to be one too.”

“Stop.”

“Are you scared of facing the truth? You were the one who abandoned me.”

Enough.

“I don’t know what the truth is, Johan! I don’t!” She stood up to run away from him, even if it was a couple step. He did the same just to lean on the table to keep facing her, almost sitting on it.

“You know it, you already told me a couple hours ago. You forgot me, Nina, because I already was a monster. You didn’t make a mistake, so any guild you now feel over that decision is purposeless. You made the right choice that was getting away from me. How can it be, that the little girl back then was smarter than you?” He was so talkative when attacking. “Then, let me remind you that I’m the person who killed your parents, all of them, and also another two hundred people more. Well, those are the estimations according to the BKA, but I can assure you they are close to three hundred. That includes little children, you know, dead only because I was bored and angry.” He stood up too, just to lean over the table, facing her. “I kill and kill again because I want, and I can, and instead of getting as far as possible from me, I left you in Heidelberg for that, you come closer and closer, teasing. But now I understand, you are the one manipulating me.”

What? Since when was he the victim? She indeed tried to, but in no way was she being successful.

“I made a mistake anticipating that you would be too emotional, and I was completely wrong.” He had said the opposite hours ago.

“Stop!” She went back to him, furious. She got very close to him, almost trapping him between the table and her. His head lower than hers as he was still sitting.

“Do you have any friends now? Real friends?” The concerned brother was back, and it only made her angrier. “Despite having a good relationship with that surrogate family Dr. Reichwein and Dieter are for you, it has grown cold… you are the one who distanced herself from them. Why? What are you hiding?”

All of the sudden Johan took her hands, reassuring. But in him that gesture only became more disturbing, was he aware?

“I have to confess you something. I’ve read the patient diary Dr. Reichwein keeps of you, also listened to all the recordings Gillen made from your interviews. You really had such an impressive recovery, Nina. They aren’t so skilled professionals after all if they were fooled by such an amateurish performance. Or it was easier for them to ignore the reality and fall for that fake recovery. Maybe… they really have been unable to properly estimate the depth of your wounds, as you like to play the strong girl role.”

Damn it. She tried not to think too much about how many nights he had spent in Reichwein’s office. Johan was more than anyone could handle.

Nina just stood there, looking down to some point of his black sweater.

She had no idea how to feel, Angry of course… but what about that relief? She liked it, somehow, she liked that Johan, someone at all, had been capable of seeing the truth. Even if it was him and she knew she was going to regret that same feeling very soon.

“And that’s why you have chosen me now because at the very least I’m as broken as you, even if there’s an abyss separating us.” The abyss he was sinking in. His grip didn’t let her free, even if it was incredibly gentle. “You need someone to understand you. Really understand, so you won’t feel isolated anymore.”

“There’s plenty of people out there going through their own personal hell. We are not that special…” She looked into his eyes, not being so sure of what she had just said.

“We aren’t. But not many people have shared that hell with another. Or that’s what you think.” He leaned towards her. “Yet you are wrong. We don’t share as much as you think, as I wasn’t in the Three Frogs and you weren’t in Kinderheim 511.”

“We do.”

His smile was a triumphal one. A sweet one too.

“Go back to that normal life of yours and stop thinking of me as… anything different than a monster who destroyed your happy life.”

“Which happy life? The one I had in Heidelberg with the Fortners? Was I happy back then?” She got rid of his hands, even when her voice sounded exhausted. “I’ll tell you something about me that you probably don’t know. The more cheerful I am, the falser. Just like you, but since I fooled you I guess I’m a better actress than I expected.”

Oh, another surprised look from her brother. She was starting to love them.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, you didn’t realize? Do you think all my problems are solved the moment you disappear from my life? I forgot your identity, not you. You were always there, sometimes like paranoia, others like nightmares or even psychotic episodes. You can be much more toxic than you think.” How could he be so blind? “I’m always carrying you with me. Always.”

What she couldn’t understand at all was the sweet smile on his lips and the intense brightness of his eyes.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Those words would have irritated her so much, but the absolute lack of mockery on him, and that expression that was the closest thing Johan could show to happiness disarmed her. She was too amazed by that face, one she remembered from the child he had been. It looked exactly the same the first time he saw her after Kinderheim 511.

He was glad to be remembered. That was all he ever wanted.

“Johan…” She felt so powerful at that moment that she just took advantage of it.

She suddenly leaned towards him, her arms surrounding him in the warmest hug she could offer. Johan’s fluffy hair caressed her jaw as that position made him shorter than her. Nina felt him tense, surprised and may be uncomfortable at the physical proximity. She wanted to know his reaction.

He didn’t hug her back and it was disappointing, but she could feel as he leaned his head on her neck, even if it was such a small movement. She was right. He somehow liked it. As he had liked it back then. It was amusing. As sweet as she had always been during childhood, she had never quite liked any sort of physical expression of love, and she had tossed off people who tried to kiss or hug her, too often. It didn’t matter who was. On the contrary, Johan loved it. As they grew older he had learned to hide it better, but he liked to cuddle, to be hugged and kissed, he actually enjoyed those love expressions. She wondered if it was a sincere gesture if it might have helped him to soothe his already agitated mind, if he had felt too lonely, too often, even then.

She was never going to ask, though, and she was never going to tell him a fact about himself that he probably ignored. But their agreement never considered that she couldn’t use that information to her own advantage.

“I’m very angry at you because you dared to leave me. Because you never even tried to explain yourself that night. You just left me alone, wondering about a situation that was too confusing and scary, and instead of making me understand, you left me alone. That wasn’t the brother I knew.” She ended the hug. “Why didn’t you try? At all?”

“You are so stupid, Nina.” His stare had his normal coldness.

Ouch. That was his gift after giving him a hug. She had been indeed stupid for falling, once again, for a cheap sentimentality mean too little to him.

“You are angry because I decided that you shouldn’t be like me. I could have turned you into a little monster too, it was easy, your trust in me was so blind. You prefer that, no? Instead of me, I could have talked you to kill the Lieberts.” He finally stood up. “I wanted you to be happy, and if that meant that I should disappear I was willing to do so. That was my change of plans that night. I made sure to find a safe place for you in this world and then I only had to wipe myself off the face of the Earth.” His tone explained those facts as if they were so obvious. “The Fortners seemed a perfect choice, and Heidelberg a lovely town.”

She was angry again.

“Why didn’t you kill yourself back then?” She found her own voice disturbing, as it seemed to wish that had really happened. Part of her still wanted him to die and leave her alone.

“I don’t care if you love or hate me, or just feel indifferent. However, I couldn’t bear the idea that you had completely forgotten me. I hoped that, even if my existence was erased, I would somehow live in you, in your thoughts. That’s why I waited for you to remember. I patiently waited…” He got lost in his own thoughts, even for a second. “I don’t remember much of that period, so I don’t know when I gave up and became this.”

He hadn’t only given up on her, but on everything. After that moment he had never tried to live a normal life as they had tried in Düsseldorf. He had waited ten years for her to remember until he had decided to effectively ‘wipe himself off the face of the Earth’, even if it was in an apocalyptic, uproarious way in which she had been forced to remember, enough to kill.

She finally understood him. But that made nothing to stop her anger. All the tenderness she had felt moments ago got lost somewhere.

“You are such a narcissist, even when you try to play the martyr role.” His smile showed how amusing was that anger of hers. “Your plan was so kind, and your role of a self-sacrificing brother so perfect that you never considered that you were not that tough. And you had already faced your own weakness before. Johan, when are you going to understand that you are not resilient?”

“I know, and I don’t care.” Another cryptic answer. All she was going to get. “You don’t seem to care either about it as you consider me good enough to talk-”

She laughed and interrupted him, being a complete mess of emotions as she hadn’t felt in a whole year. He was intense indeed.

“I’m pretty, sweet and likable, Johan, enough to get whoever’s attention I want.” She showed him her best smile, in case he needed. “And you think I’m desperate enough to seek your attention? You don’t offer any sort of company or comfort and I’ve never expected any from you. You don’t make me feel less lonely, even when I’m not even lonely myself, not one bit.”

She frowned as he seemed to be waiting for just that answer.

“Do you want me to kill you?”

It was no threat, no joke, nothing. He was just asking.

“W-what…?” That softness in his voice sent an awful chill across her spine.

“I’m asking if you want me to be the means for your self-destruction, instead of doing it yourself.”

Could that explain her suicidal decision of taking him in?

“No, no, no, no… no! What the hell? Wha… why?” She was astonished, but not as much as she wanted to be. Something on her was considering that possibility, the same part that considered ending her own life in that abandoned house. “Are you asking me if… I want it?” She, who had been walking around the room, suddenly returned to him. “Do you?”

“I don’t mind killing you, but I don’t have any selfish desire to do so.” A childish smile.

Damn psychopath her brother was.

“No, stop it. I don’t want you to kill me or… I don’t want anything from you! You can’t help me!” She got closer to him, heart racing and willing to ask. “What do you want? Why are you so focused on finding any hidden purpose in what I do or… You are here because I want to know. I only know my side of the nightmare our lives are and now I want to know yours, so the story is complete. But… what’s yours?”

“I want you to have what you want, and I’ll make sure you get it.”

That was a real surprise and her incredulous face showed it. He… wanted her… to have what she wanted? She tried to calm down, wishing to yell at him, tell him that he had already destroyed it the moment he murdered her family, again and again. The moment he stopped being part of it. But he had already explained, and as cruel as his answer had been it actually made sense, painfully so.

“I have no idea what I want. It doesn’t matter frustrating it is, I really can’t answer.” She couldn’t be sincerer.

“I see. Then I’ll wait until you figure it out. Is it alright?”

It was too absurd. The whole situation, and both of them.

“Hmm… Yes. I guess…” her eyes turned threatening again. “As long as you don’t break our deal.”

“Of course.”


	8. Day 11.1. His adoration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t cry Nina, you should never cry for what you are, not you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I published the last chapter but I've been writing a lot. In fact, the whole fanfic is already finished, more or less, and I'm just considering adding some extra dialogs here and there, maybe a couple chapter about Johan in the middle. I hope I'll publish the rest soon :)
> 
> My idea of Nina is more twisted than the one shown in the manga but I'm just trying to show the real consequences of her life experiences, so I'm trying really hard to be coherent with the original story even if I'm adding a lot of original ideas. Same with Johan.

She needed to redefine her strategy, her everything. And lying on her bed at night was the best moment to do so. Away from him.

First of all, she needed to calm down. And then to analyze with logic rather than feelings everything that had happened during that weekend.

So… summarizing, Johan came to know about her out of curiosity, after finding her not as happy as he had expected he decided to help her achieve that happiness, through kisses or bullets, that didn’t matter to him, before wiping himself off the face of the Earth. She was still trying to understand the evolution of the man who asked her to go to a massacre, without any consideration about her safety, to the one that would grant her any wish. Not to say his evolution during those three years of chase and the decade before it.

Johan had changed again.

There was little left of the man that stood under the rain waiting to be shot. Maybe nothing at all.

Was that a good sign? Bad? Worse?

He was the one going through a depression, a severe one. That’s something Dr. Reichwein had told her and until that moment she had never considered that possibility. She had doubted until he appeared. And now it had just become even worse, judging how docile he was. It wasn’t an answer to her kindness but the result of his devastated mental state. He simply had no strength left, not even to be a monster anymore.

Her last visit to the hospital had been little after their birthday, 5 months ago. A busy summer and her new job left her with little time to travel to Munich. In those months, Johan had woken up, gone through rehabilitation and somehow escaped without anyone noticing, because there had been nothing. No alarms, no police at her door, nothing at all. And that was disturbing. It could mean two things, either they didn’t know, or they didn’t want to know.

 

* * *

 

It was almost as disturbing as finding the silhouette of a serial killer at her bedroom door, looking at her in the complete darkness. She sat up, waiting.

“Since it seems you are also awake, do you want some tea?” She looked at the clock on her night table, showing it was 3 a.m. Good moment for a tea.

“Mm… yes.”

He disappeared, heading towards the kitchen and soon she followed him.

“Just sit, I’ll take care of everything.” She obeyed, watching him go around the room, knowing exactly where to find everything.

“Hmm… do you have insomnia?”

He turned for a second before answering.

“I often stay awake for days.”

“What? How can you bear it? You should consider getting medical h…” Then she was aware of how ridiculous her words were.

She couldn’t see his face now, but he was probably amused.

“I’m fine. I have more time to read or study.” Once he was waiting for water to boil he turned around, hands on his back. “But I appreciate your concern.”

“Study… I guess you did that a lot… what have you studied exactly? I know… you impressed Schuwald with your knowledge in law and economics and… you are good at reading others’ mind…”

An apologetical smile.

“While you played after going to school with friends or went to different activities I studied, helped by the carefully chosen families that fostered me. Not sleeping gives me lots of extra hours that can be invested in many different subjects. Economy and law are just the ones that occupied me the most.”

“Why them?” Her question was silly, of course, but she wanted to listen to him.

“Money is the strongest force within our society regardless of everything else.” He wanted power and finance was the tool. Power as a mean to destruction, not to elevate himself above others, no. “And it corrupts everything… but you, it seems.”

Oh, that had been an absolute surprise, receiving a deposit on her bank account, her 24th birthday, with a sum so high, bigger than her future lifetime earnings. But the biggest surprise had been the sender.

“I’m not going to accept your money and I really don’t want to know where it comes from. So…” she shrugged. She had been indeed tempted to invest it in that new life she was just starting, renting a big apartment, buying a car. But the idea of using that money felt awful in so many ways, the source of that money, how illegal it was. Also thinking that it was some sort of inheritance from Johan, her brother, and at the same time an aggressor and a potential victim of hers.

“I don’t need it, so you can always buy a house when you settle down somewhere or start a family of your own.”

She remained silent for a moment.

“Anyway… you can have it back, all, some, whatever…” Had he such a sum of money for himself too?

Another silence she broke after a while.

“And what about languages? Do you speak any apart from Latin?”

“English, French and Russian.” Another smile before checking the water. It was ready.

“Wow, really? Do you speak six languages? That’s impressive.” There it was, her so annoyingly smart brother that had made her so proud. Why had everything to happen the way it did?

“Yes, but I’ve never used them.” He approached her, putting both cups on the table and sitting next to her, quite close as the table was so tiny. He looked at her for a moment. “I learned all I know about psychology and manipulation in the Kinderheim 511. I entered a special program there.” A shiver ran down her spine and, as an answer to her horrified expression, an amused smile.

“What do you mean by special program?” She should know first what the normal program was.

“The Kinderheim 511 was meant to create perfect soldiers, but they wanted me to be a perfect leader. The process has indeed some differences.”

“Which ones?” She frowned.

“I don’t want to talk about that place.” His tone turned suddenly cold, even hostile. It was so subtle that she could have just imagined it, but that was all emotion he showed. He then focused his attention on the cup between his hands, taking a small sip.

“I would like to know what happened to you there. I would like you to tell… me… I don’t care… how horrible it is…” What a sweet smile he showed her.

“So, you’ll pity me even more? No.”

“Why do you care about my feelings that much? You are not going to be around that long…” anywhere actually. She felt a lump on her throat, that only increased as he stayed longer there, as he became more and more real.

“I’m concerned about your security and, seeing how naïve you can be, is worrisome.”

“Yes, I’m sure you care that much about that safety of mine that you put at risk continuously. You don’t want my pity, no? I don’t want your concern either. Or at least make some effort so it’s not so blatantly fake and contradictory.” Then it was her the one that got closer. “I pity you, of course, I pity you. And I’m glad that I can do it for being a product of nurture instead of nature, so there’s a brother I can mourn. But that’s all.” It wasn’t, and maybe it was time for him to know. “Well… there’s something more, I feel responsible for you, not out of guilt but because of being your sister.”

She didn’t get rid of his eyes for a while, and that would have been incredibly uncomfortable if she hadn’t been so used to them by now. Or maybe always.

“Why do you think I’m not concerned about your security? I already told you I invested a lot in keeping you safe. You think every emotion I display is fake?” Exactly gestures like that, at that moment, a smile so childish and sweet, were the answer.

However, there were others, subtle changes in his tone, his eyes, that seemed incredibly genuine. Even that bland, she wanted to think that he was still able to show some emotions when he felt.

But let him explain, so her face was the one to fake disdain and annoyance. Manipulation, even if it was in such small doses, was incredibly useful. He wasn’t the only one aware.

“I wish I couldn’t feel anything at all.” He lowered his gaze for a moment. “You are right of course, I usually fake most of my emotions in order to match social expectations and avoid unwanted attention. But it doesn’t mean I can’t actually feel, in fact, I think mine can be more intense than for most people, some of them like fear or rage. And they are triggered by the tiniest details and at the most unexpected moments.”

He just confirmed what she actually remembered of that boy from Düsseldorf. But she wanted him to explain more so she just nodded, showing all her interest.

“So… you basically hide what you really feel and create a whole display of fake ones.”

“Correct.” He sounded honest.

“Also… with me?”

“Yes, although I wouldn’t mind being sincerer with you. I’m too used to behave like that. And I don’t…” Johan speechless, what a scene. Disturbingly intimate. “Even though I understand everything around them, I have never been able to identify what I feel myself.”

Her hand reached his before his eyes came back to her. He was indeed quite sensitive to physical contact, at least much more than he was to any sort of verbal aggression. She broke that contact as soon as she got his attention back.

“I’d really appreciate if you were more… genuinely you, whatever that is.” That sounded so stupid. “I mean…”

“I know what you mean. But you must understand that I don’t exist.” A cryptic smile.

No, she couldn’t. But she decided to ask about it another time, anticipating a very long, complex monolog from him that probably was the very core of his insanity.

“And empathy?” She couldn’t be asking a more stupid question, but her reasons hadn’t changed.

“I’m empathetic. Although I don’t care how others feel and I don’t have any emotional response to that, I’m aware of their emotions and I know how to use them. It’s called cognitive empathy in opposition to the emotional one.”

He understood emotions whereas he wasn’t able to actually feel them like any other person. That added little information to all Dr. Reichwein had explained to her, after he, together with Dr. Gillen, had analyzed him in order to understand better what he was. The result had turned into a best seller.

“Why are you telling me all of this?”

“Because you are asking. Why not?” He set aside his tea to fold his hands instead.

“I don’t know… I mean… do you want to share it?”

“I don’t, but I’ve learned the lesson that I can’t hide it from you, so I don’t mind indulging your curiosity. I hope you can keep the secret, though, as you already keep so many secrets.” An intense stare.

“What secrets?” She really didn’t want to know. Whatever.

“Your surprisingly swift recovery, otherwise so fake, and the issues regarding your mental health that hasn’t diminished one bit during all this time. But you have darker secrets, like the one that is breaking you apart, which is the fact that you consider yourself a killer, as you shot me, and you really think you are much closer of being someone like me than a normal person.”

“How…” terror crossed her face and a shark-like smile his, happy to obtain her confirmation. He knew much more than she expected. And she had been worried that he had violated all her physician-patient privilege. How foolish of her.

“How do I know? That’s the reason for your curiosity, maybe not all of it, but I can see how you really understand what I say, instead of absorbing raw information you don’t quite comprehend.” His intense stare was surprising, unsettling and still made her happy to see that she still was able to get some sort of reaction from him. “Just an example, you are relaxed right now, more than I’ve ever seen you in my presence, when I’m basically telling you that I’m a psychopath, although nothing new, and all you don’t understand is why I’m being sincere with you, not how I’m unable to feel anything concrete nor empathy. If you were, for example, Dr. Tenma, you would use this opportunity to ask more about those topics you don’t understand, accuse me even, yet you would like me to explain more. You are not curious about it, not out of fear but because you understand more than you like to think. Because your darkest secret, sister, is that you are a little psychopath yourself. Another monster that, despite being a small one, it’s still bigger than you fear.”

He suddenly was the one reaching her hand, to talk again. His grip felt somehow… anxious?

“You are more broken than I thought, it seems I overestimated your strength. I should have considered that possibility when your first choice, after the death of the Fortners, wasn’t fear and pain but anger and murderous desire. You wanted to kill me above anything, but it wasn’t exactly revenge, no. You weren’t going to make me pay for what I did but I became the trigger of that wrath and thus its victim too. That rage of yours terrified criminals Nina, remember. The Baby and Roberto are just two of them.”

She was crying, tears falling from her eyes without any stop. All her initial excitement was rapidly turned into the same unease and anxiety she had been feeling for the last months, that Johan’s presence only worsened. She had noticed those changes on herself, ones that had always been there and had been intensified by the hell Johan had put her during those three years. She could consider herself strong, lucky even, as she had once reached the point of suicide and had been able to recover that normal life, time later. She was a survivor of state crimes and a serial killer that used her as a toy, but she wasn’t pleased with the results. That wasn’t the woman she wanted to be, just a disappointment.

Because of that, Johan’s comforting voice turned into the softest caress. She indeed needed that, something, someone telling that her expectations were too high, that there was nothing wrong with her.

“Don’t cry Nina, you should never cry for what you are, not you. Don’t think that you are worse than most people, a broken toy, and don’t think you are like me because you aren’t. You can understand me, you are like me, but only on a certain level.” A childish excitement, adoration even, appeared in his somehow restrained tone. “You are better than anyone else in the whole world, humans or monsters, because you are both and none of them. And I promise, you are not walking a tightrope.” He suddenly stood up, getting closer. “In fact, I wish I had never existed, so I would be just you.” She was looking at him without knowing what to say or do, finding all of that too surprising to process, so she was unable to react as Johan leaned towards her, kissing her lips, in the same tender and innocent way he used to do when they were children. “And now it’s time to go to sleep, you are going to wake up in a couple hours.”

She let him drag her back to her bed as she really needed those couple hours. To think rather than to sleep. To cry too.

“Oh, and I’m actually not a narcissist. I might be very selfish, but I’m sure I’m not a narcissist. You probably want to know that too.” She simply nodded.

God, Johan was too much to handle.

 


	9. Day 11.2. Her darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nina wants to continue that conversation and, who's Johan to refuse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I left this chapter unfinished for a while and trying to write an end I added a couple pages more :/
> 
> I think it's obvious but the fic is written from either Johan's or Nina's POV, so there's always one sibling trying to understand the other. Some statements will be contradictory as each of them learn more about the other because... that's the whole point of communication, isn't it?
> 
> Also, these are all personal ideas and opinions, so I'd like to know if we share opinions or not, you, reader ;). Why not a comment with yours, or maybe an ask in Tumblr?
> 
> Oh, and thanks for the 100+ views!

She tried to sleep, to focus on work, but there was no way she could do that. All she could think about was the last conversation with him and its surprising development. His sincerity, that she had been questioning so much since then. He was teasing her about all her interest towards him and at the same time he had just confessed his never-ending admiration. She had never considered that possibility, such a thing never crossed her mind as she had always thought that she was the one who reverenced her twin, never considering it might be the other way around too.

Had he always thought that way of her? After analyzing for hours memories and more memories, she discovered that his behavior matched more the feeling of admiration rather than of love. Johan had existed around her, not like a knight in a shining armor shielding his princess but as a poor creature praising its god. A creature who considered itself too low, weak and ultimately monstrous. One who was happy to disappear the moment it had had the opportunity to become her.

He hated himself.

He was being sincere when he said he was no narcissist. And he probably had been born already broken, even if it was just a little bit. He was broken. Still, he could have been stopped, helped.

Everything was starting to make some sense.

That morning, Johan had breakfast with her but for the first time, he had been actively talking about her new case in a way that reminded her of Professor Kronecker. He knew she wanted to continue the conversation and refused, so she hoped for the time she came back from work.

Her hopes were indeed fulfilled that same evening, as he seemed to wait for her.

“Explain better what you said yesterday” She was back to that living room where they spent most of the time together.

“What exactly?” The book he was reading remained on his lap. Herman Hesse’s novel Demian. It was the first time he wasn’t reading law or economics, just some fiction.

“What you were saying about me being ‘better than humans and monsters’… I didn’t understand.” She sat next to him, on the sofa by the window. She was a little bit closer than usual.

He smiled and stood up. Only when the book was back to its rightful place on the shelves he went back to her, sitting a little bit further. A victory for her.

“Tell me what you felt when you found the Fortners dead, anything that had nothing to do with me, just their deaths.”

All he had to do is to name them, and that feeling was there, back to her, as strong as then. She had learned to ignore it, though, even when she found his eyes focused on her hands, now tightened into fists on her lap.

Breath, just breath.

“Hmm… I was confused, so confused… and angry, and scared… like I went back to that night in Düsseldorf.” She remembered perfectly that awful experience. What exactly was he expecting?

“And what about pain, for their loss?” There was no teasing smile curving his lips.

“Of course, they were marvelous people and they took care of me during all those years even if I wasn’t their real daughter…”

“Is that all?” His voice sounded incredibly gentle.

“What do you mean?”

“Didn’t you… love them?” There it was, the smile, the restrained cruelty. He loved that.

“I did.” She wasn’t that sure there had been love there. They had loved her madly, she… somehow, maybe.

“But your main focus is how nice, and kind they were. You valued them as human beings, of course, part of that evaluation depends on your interactions with them. Nonetheless, your ‘love’ is based on their quality as human beings. Did you miss them?”

“Yes…?” What the hell did he think he knew?

“But you don’t have a single picture of them in this apartment. Not one. You appreciate them, value them, but never really, really, loved them.” He lost interest in her for a moment, checking something on their surroundings. “That’s how I feel about Dr. Tenma.”

He had checked the apartment with enough meticulousness to ensure there was no photo album.

“No, no… I’m not like that, not like you…”

Johan smiled, so sweet, so indulgent.

“Our patterns are similar, but I’m not saying that you would be capable of doing awful things to them as I’ve done to our poor doctor… no. Because you have boundaries that I don’t. And you probably can feel some love too, even if it’s weak and changing.”

She shouldn’t be surprised that Johan could actually understand her better than the whole world, she shouldn’t, but it was still incredible that he knew that much, considering how long they had actually lived together: their first six years and a couple more between the orphanage and the Liebert’s murder. A total of 8 of 26, from which he could only remember two. Uncanny.

She expected him to know everything superficial about her, routines, hobbies, behavioral patterns, relationships… but not being able to get into her head like that. And she wouldn’t admit it, but he was completely right, in everything. Especially everything about her so twisted emotions, even if he thought they were a little more twisted than they actually were. No one had been that close, and no one will ever be.

“And you have little empathy too. More than me, but not much, not like others.”

“Enough, you don’t know what you are saying…” both her tone and voice showed some faked annoyance. She wasn’t going to agree with everything he said, though.

“You know empathy, you just can’t feel much of it, probably a little, but that’s all.”

“Why the hell do you think that?” Did she really have so little empathy? What? Was he… right?

“Because you want me here, and even though you are normally a little nervous you feel comfortable having me around. Which means that you are forgetting that I’m a criminal. On the one side, I’m your brother and you see much more in me, more than I can actually remember and you told me that you missed that brother, so I guess I wasn’t that bad as a child. That only explains your sadness for what I’ve become. However, on the other side, I think that you actually care little about what I’ve done.” He made a dismissive wave with his hand, asking her to wait as she was going to interrupt him. He was going too far, way too far. “You won’t let me hurt anyone ever again, but since I’m behaving…” The smile of a sweet boy. “You haven’t ever accused me of anything or tried to make me feel any guilt or remorse, it doesn’t matter that you know I quite can’t, you would have tried anyway because you shouldn’t understand.”

It probably was the other way around. She was too used to the criminal he was. He was a killer first, then a twin brother.

She wanted to stand up, but instead, she stayed in the same position, sitting, facing him.

“No Johan, I haven’t forgotten one bit of what you have done, yet nothing will make your victims come back to life. And the only reason why I feel comfortable around you is because I know that deep down I’m the closest thing you have to boundaries because, as you said, you haven’t really ever hurt me and I’m being crazy enough to think you’ll follow that pattern. Or naïve enough to think that I could stop you.” He had been considered enough to ask before killing. “Or… do you ask all your victims if they want to die?”

He nodded, so childish.

“Only some of them. And you are the only one whose answer I respect.” His smile disappeared then. “Then, explain me the process you followed. How you could forgive someone you needed to forget in order to survive, like you said. Someone who only turned worse as time passed. I would have understood it if you had done it in a hospital room, in a prison cell, some place I couldn’t escape but not there, as tens of innocent people were dying around us because of me. There was no blind compassion, no manipulation, no love. Just understanding.”

“No. Guilt and responsibility. Because now I’m aware of how much I’ve broken you, maybe as much as Poppe or Kinderheim 511. Because I feel responsible for damaging you that much and being so selfish to not understand that you needed my help, instead of my anger.” She blamed her little self so much, the one that had Johan around, recovering, and angry at him because he no longer seemed that interested in her, or in anything at all. She had accused him many times, and he had simply accepted the scorn in complete silence. Why couldn’t she see beyond that?

“Enough. It’s not like you had to know the exact symptoms of abuse and I already was a lost cause. I never hated what I had become, as long as no one knew.” It amazed her, how he was able to excuse her of her past anger.

She wondered, what was his opinion now. And what he might answer to that question.

“Do you hate it now? What you are?” It was there, that expression that appeared then, so subtle, that told her he did.

“I’ll tell you more about myself another day, but let’s return to the current topic. You.”

Her eyes didn’t stop him, of course, they didn’t. And he attacked again.

“You are not like Dr. Tenma. That’s the reason why you changed your mind so much. He started chasing me out of guilt and fear and it ended the same way. He’s an absolute slave of his emotions. Now he can’t feel anything but pity for me, an overwhelming one that dragged him to me, over and over.” His gesture showed clear disdain.

“And you mean that I’m not a slave?” She doubted that. “That I’m better than that?” Was being selfish better than that?

She was getting confused, more than usual. He was really capable of messing with her head so easily.

“You were, for a while. You had changed so much when we met on the abandoned house…” He suddenly got silent, completely lost in his thoughts and after a few seconds, he turned towards her again with surprised eyes, or what seemed like that since he turned neutral so rapidly. “Have you ever thought that empathetic people might be selfish?”

What?

“No. Isn’t the whole point of empathy exactly the opposite?” He surely had a strange train of thoughts.

“Yes, it seems so, but ultimately the force that moves empathetic people is selfish, as they feel pleasure for helping others and remorse for not doing so.”

She understood what he meant.

“People simply are doing what makes them feel better, that’s all.”

“I can be either right or wrong, but it’s an interesting theory, don’t you think?”

Wasn’t he the one that wanted to talk so badly about her? What was this hiatus then?

“And… what does it have to do with me?”

“I don’t think you are empathetic enough to be moved by that feeling. Not with all the criminals you found, and definitely not with me. You freely choose to be kind, to be good, expecting no reward. I love that about you.”

Wow. Now it seemed that Johan preferred kindness over sadism while being the epitome of the latter. It was ridiculous.

“And why haven’t you tried it yourself?” She was starting to feel irritation again. She rubbed her hands together.

“There it is, the accusation. Now it’s the moment when you stop understanding me.” Instead of a mocking tone, he chose a pedagogical one.

All his talking only made her consider he was actually enjoying all of that. All the real communication, the sincerity, something he had never tried before. He had said he couldn’t understand loneliness, but she wasn’t that sure of it, even if he wasn’t aware of his own.

“Ok, sorry.” She should focus on understanding before accusing him of anything, even if it was so obvious. She shouldn’t waste the opportunity of hearing his thoughts, ideas.

“It’s fine.” He suddenly turned towards her completely, sitting in such an informal position, almost on his knees. “What is that you don’t understand?”

“Everything. The…” She found herself doing stupid gestures with her hands. “The whole process… how did you… became…”

“You mean how I became a criminal? A monster?” She nodded. “I don’t know exactly, but you think something happened to me in Czechoslovakia, that I was already a monster there.”

Exactly. There had to be something that triggered that progression, a starting point, something… but what? Did something happen to him when she was dragged to the Red Rose Mansion? What did they do to him?

“I was a killer then, not a monster.” His amused smile showed some doubt he was happy to share. “I just eliminated the witnesses of our escape, nothing more. It’s true, killing meant little to me, even then…” Another smile. He enjoyed her expression, he really did, and those boundaries of her he despised and admired.

Her hands ended up on her laps, desperately trying not to be a showcase of her emotions. Johan remained in such a steady, completely unnatural position. He really moved like an animatronic. Only his face, mostly his eyes, allowed her to understand his emotional responses. In any case, she was glad to see that disturbingly real him, without all his golden boy façade.

“When then?” She suspected the answer.

“Although, already a killer, I was mostly created in the Kinderheim 511, as they brainwashed me just like they did with any other kid. After four years I had been completely broken and rebuild, and, overwhelmed with that experience, I decided to destroy that place with the same tools they had taught me. That was my turning point, the moment I started enjoying the destruction.”

He had been described as ‘such a work of art’, by members of the staff, like that man called Hartmann. The same that had been enamored of Johan’s charisma and now in prison facing a life sentence. Somehow Gillen had been able to interview him, and that same expression finally appeared in his book, ‘Road to a Monster’.

She imitated his position and both twins ended up on their knees on the sofa. A curious display.

“But that man… Hartmann…”

A derisive smile in his face, showing true repulsion. She really didn’t want to know how depraved that man was, to be able to produce such a reaction from her brother.

“I know what the scientists thought. Nevertheless, they were more successful than I let them know.” His stare focused on her for some seconds, intense. “More than I even considered.” A childish grimace, that looked rather adorable in his face. Again, the conversation was going to change completely. “I’m going to confess something. I’ve lied to you. I didn’t mean to, just saving the matter for another time… I lied when I said that I hadn’t been able to destroy myself. I was, when we were fifteen, I tried to kill myself. I actually did it. A pity I was saved.”

He suddenly showed her his left hand, sliding away the sleeve of the sweater a few centimeters. At first, she saw nothing, but taking a closer look she found it. There it was, a scar that probably followed the artery for five centimeters at least. It was so subtle, and the direction of the scar made it look like an accident rather than a suicide attempt.

He stayed in the same position, his eyes focused on hers, curious. All the childishness to talk about suicide. But he was so open to talking, so open she was tempted to ask.

“Why?” She caught his arm, fingers following the trace of the knife.

“I wanted to die.” Wasn’t it enough of an answer? He smiled, knowing it was not the one she was expecting. “I think I got depressed… because of our separation. I don’t remember quite well…” He rapidly got rid of her touch and his hand lied on his lap again. He leaned his head on the backrest of the sofa, looking sleepy, even when his eyes were so awake.

It did, for her. It was painful to know how much had damaged him.

Her expression must have been miserable enough to make him smile, a surprisingly tender gesture, and the same hand with the scar reached then her head. His fingers combing a rebel lock of hair, putting it away from her face.

“You talk so lightly about suicide as you do about murder.” She didn’t hide the bitterness that came from nowhere, nothing she could quite identify. No, the former disturbed her more.

“Such a horrifying thing, being able to take one’s life.” It came as a surprise for her, the first time he was using such an ironic tone. “Why does it disturb you so much? Because it’s something we have in common?”

“I think it’s awful to reach that point… the unbearable need to end one’s life.”

He seemed to give some thought to her words.

“You haven’t truly experienced it, the abyss…” The way he pronounced it, made a cliché sound absolutely terrifying. “Being suicidal is not the worst, no… there’s a moment after which it feels like hope, the comforting thought that there’s a way to stop it all.” His hand, that had been lying on her shoulder, reached her cheek. His touch was so sweet and gentle. “You tried to do the same in that abandoned house. But it was not the same, you were momentarily overwhelmed by… what exactly? Confusion? Guilt? Shame? Your reaction was reckless while mine was a calculated plan. I find yours actually pathetic.”

As insulting as it was, being mocked because of a suicide attempt, she had to agree with him. Her desperation and pain overwhelmed her, she found no way out, only one… but no, she had been through so much she should be stronger than that. Maybe it was all she had experienced what triggered that reaction. Now all those reasons seemed… pathetic. She should have been stronger than that.

And the question was there.

“Would you care… if I die?” She wasn’t expecting anything, she shouldn’t and all she could think was about how much she would like to hear him answering affirmatively, telling her that she meant something.

His smile showed his acknowledgment and his words were as cruel as possible.

“No. It would be disappointing to know you broke like that, but as I’ve already told you, it’s your choice. In case we are talking about suicide, of course.” His eyelids seemed heavy. “On the other side, I am making sure no one dares to make that choice for you.” His eyes reached some point on the wall in front of them.

He was probably being sincere on that. Johan, who destroyed her happiness and designed her own hell was at the same time the person who invested more in her safety.

No, no one was allowed to destroy her if it wasn’t him.

She copied his position, her head to on the backrest of the sofa too, while her train of thoughts followed a completely different direction.

Death… as hope.

“What?”

He knew she wanted to ask.

“Oh… I was just… wondering…” Ok, wait for the laugh. “What is like to be you… I mean… see the world through your eyes, your thoughts…”

And there it was. His laugh, a little restrained, one that made her blush.

“I’m curious too. I would like to see the world like you…” That look, that was the one she remembered so well, half curious, half melancholic. “It might be quite different, don’t you think?” Slowly, he got close, until his face was few centimeters from her, without changing position.

“Yet I don’t think I’m capable of understanding, truly understanding, either you or any other person. It’s a strange feeling, sister, being the aberration.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would Johan be so talkative with someone who isn't about to die? Probably not, even if that person is his sister. I think he would save his thoughts and opinions and maybe, after months living together, he would start to open up a little. Or... he would, as he is the one about to die so he doesn't care anymore :)
> 
> I'm still thinking about how dramatic this ending is going to be. On the one side, a happy ending would be perfect after all they have been through and on the other side, this is not a fairytale...
> 
> And, in the next chapter... Johan's POV and trying to be a good brother!


	10. Day 14. The madness (I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short introspection, Johan's POV. This chapter turned out so long I've split it up lol
> 
> A little headcanon of mine is that Johan has always strange trains of thoughts so... I tried to write it a little messier.

Yet another day, and he was far from being done.

It had been a pleasant surprise that Anna would bear his presence in any way, and yet a bigger surprise finding himself pleased by his sister’s behavior. She was a synonym to unpredictability. And he liked that, and the chaos she represented.

No, it wasn’t chaos, but life.

Anna represented life.

His life.

While she was out working, he inspected the details hidden in that place that became her new home. She had been there too little time to turn that apartment into her shelter, thus the hints were scarce yet. People seem to love living in places that represented them, not only in taste but also in memories, emotions. Their houses were just a projection of their minds, with monetary resources being the only limitation.

He didn’t understand that and at the same time, he did. Every room he had been in was nothing more than standard furniture, with different levels of luxury, and a random collection of decoration that had never meant anything to him.

In his adolescence, art had grabbed his attention, fascinated him even. As an alternate communication channel, weaker and sincerer at the same time, relying so strongly on personal interpretation yet offering the truth so often.

Nina didn’t like art, it seemed. Just cute stuff. Cheap paintings of flowers and landscapes. Beautiful curtain and a generous collection of furniture. The dominant color was different shades of pink, again like in her bedroom in Heidelberg. But the most interesting detail was there, in the middle of that artificial prettiness: on the coffee table, a small ceramic plate filled with bronze acorns. She wasn’t lying when she said that she wanted to remember him now, so he had stolen one of the acorns, that always lied at the bottom of one of his jacket pockets.

Apart from that little detail, he learned a few things about her from that place, about the person she had become after those three years. It had been her behavior the one that showed some interesting patterns that he hadn’t been able to understand yet. He suspected, though.

More books of psychology among the law ones. A small collection of literature with many volumes in Czech.

What else? Her wardrobe. It became more sophisticated as she added so many office clothing, while the rest remained the same. She also owned more makeup and used it more often. She liked lipsticks especially it seemed, reds, corals. There was a small collection of jewels too.

Everything showed a smooth recovery that barely existed. She had indeed gotten her life back and was able to follow a routine on her own. No eating or sleeping disorders neither. No drugs. Antidepressants and anxiolytics lasted for few months after which she rejected any sort of medication.

No, she followed her own personal recovery, away from the pantomime of her therapy. Nina wasn’t that easy to control, not even when asking for help. But that recovery had not been that successful and after three years the wounds were still wide open and bleeding.

That wasn’t what he had expected from her. That wasn’t what he wanted for her.

He had been fooled too, thinking she would recover so easily from that hell he shared with her. The one he caused.

He had respected her choice. Death or life, it didn’t matter. She seemed to prefer life most of the time, but it didn’t mean suicide was such an irrational solution and she had considered it. As she pronounced those words of forgiveness, he had wondered whether they were the start of a recovery or a downfall. They had been the former, even if she hadn’t known back in the day. No, she lived and visited him frequently in the hospital. Stayed for hours with him when their conversations had been so scarce over the past years.

She decided to live and that didn’t surprise him. They were completely different and if he decided death was the correct choice, she would decide exactly the opposite.

So, when he woke up, he soon learned she was alive. For the few comments the nurse made of her he learned she was an attorney now, so energetic and cheerful, as beautiful as always.

His train of thoughts went back to her, over and over again.

Over and over again.

Was she happy? Even remembering him, could she be happy?

It was important for her to be happy… to reach happiness…

Could she?

He needed to know. See her with his own eyes. So, he started to plan that visit. How to stalk her until knowing enough details to face her. His words, his attitude. He knew it was going to be impossible for her not to aim at him once he was free, although unnecessary. She had to know he was going to pull the trigger this time, sparing her from being a killer. No more chasing either. There was nothing left to fear. He would present himself in the least dangerous way possible, becoming the brother she wanted him to be.

And that’s how he ended up living with her, in a little game in which they were happy siblings, where she kept living her life and he… used her as a shelter, a real one. Her presence always was like that, a stabilizing force that could pacify him to the point where life was bearable.

She was helping him, not even noticing and that acknowledgment triggered some primeval instinct on him, one that wanted to pay her back. Back when they were mere children, he had been like that. He had wanted the world for her. That desire was still there, more realistic, and now he wanted her to achieve that happiness she desired. He remembered something similar to that feeling, that love, from the child he had once been. Maybe that was exactly what love was like, that instinct. At least it was the closest thing he had been able to feel.

No, that feeling was nothing more than a deviated, wicked obsession. Love, the pure, feeling it was meant to be, couldn’t be like that.

She could teach him what love was. She could teach him the meaning of happiness too.

He wanted to help her, and the first step was indeed making his presence as tolerable as possible. Taking care of all the house chores was only a tiny part of his plan, showing some sort of wish to cooperate and also freeing her time at home, so they could use it for more interesting endeavors. Like talking, arguing, fighting. He was still trying to figure out other ways.

His interest was clear, it had always been. Nothing had changed there. However, there was an important factor he should keep into account. He had to be careful with that interest of hers, so real... warm.

Love, hate, forget, understanding… and now redemption. He had deserved all of them in the eyes of his sister.

They had been so close, yet he had never considered the possibility of opening to her, not to the child she had been. However, he had held some hope for the woman she was going to become. He had pictured the conversation, his words choice, her possible reactions, and promised himself to be as patient as possible, as tolerant. She would have eventually understood, she wouldn’t have stopped loving him… he had hoped that. He had really been a child once, holding that foolish naïveté wrapped in such a weak logic.

Thinking that they would eventually face that situation, that they would have a somehow normal life as siblings. Thinking that a monster could be loved.

And now he was living in her apartment. Because of her.

Anna was indeed unpredictable.


	11. Day 14. The madness (II)

He was in the kitchen, finishing the dinner when she arrived, at her usual time.

She didn’t greet him like she always did. Instead, her footsteps headed towards her bedroom.

What was wrong?

He stopped immediately before following her until he reached the bedroom door.

There she was, still wearing her coat and sitting on her bed, her head lowered until all he could see was a chaos of blond hair. The fast movement of her chest was all the answer he needed.

Then he heard the sobs.

“Please… leave me alone.” Her voice hoarse. She was close to suffering a panic attack it seemed.

It was predictable that her mental health would worsen because of his presence, even if he did everything in his hand to show he was no threat to her. No, he was a monster and, as she had told him, he was destructive regardless of his intentions. He had done all he could to behave like the brother he wasn’t, and again he failed.

He didn’t move, actually hesitant. Wondering if there was any way he could play that role he was supposed to play, in a way she would like, even for some hours. Of course, he had comforted plenty of people, all of them unaware of his nature. This would be the first time of doing so as a monster. Could a monster be comforting?

He should leave her alone. So, he approached her.

“Get out!” She didn’t look at him, but her arm pointed the door.

He made a choice. Instead, he got even closer, to finally sit next to her.

“I’ll leave your life the moment you ask me to do so.” His hands over his laps. “You only have to say it.”

She suddenly turned towards him, grabbing his arm with surprising strength. He could see her teary eyes now, the blush on her cheeks. He didn’t like any of that.

“Johan, get out or this room, right now.” Her stare was as threatening as possible yet had no effect over him. Nina should understand her wet eyes had little of scary.

“Tell me what happened.” His words, his kind tone, were enough to make all her tears fall from her eyes. He took her hands.

He already knew there was no real answer, and nothing had happened to her to justify that. A highly stressing job, uncertainty, and an abominable brother, all together, did. But her attention could be focused on answering that question instead of her rising anxiety.

“I… it…” She took a deep breath. Good. “Fuck… it was a mess… I’ll be fired for this…”

Oh, it was a little drama over her meaningless job it seemed. It made no sense that she cared that much about something as mundane, not when many firms would hire someone like her to do the same futile job she was doing now.

“And?” His tone, almost mocking, was accompanied with an equally comforting smile. Eyes remained cold, distant, though. His insensitivity was blatant, nothing she didn’t already know, yet it didn’t mean he liked any of that, nor refused to help. He could also choose, being kind, expecting nothing in return, sometimes, with her.

“What?” For a moment her surprise forgot the stress.

“You made a mistake and you have to solve it. That’s all.” He smiled, tender, easing the graveness of a little professional problem. She had probably messed up one of the interviews, maybe with an important witness. Nothing that serious at all. The cases she was working on were actually ridiculous. “And if you were fired because of it, I seriously doubt it, you’ll get a new, possibly better, job. I can help you with that. I have contacts.”

Empty words, although true. She worked in an important firm but there were many others like that scattered across Germany. Even in Dresden.

“I don’t want to work elsewhere. I was happy being here…” An annoyed look. She thought he didn’t understand the symbolism that job position held for her.

He shrugged, keeping his insensitive, almost smug tone. He had to counteract her drama with a little logic.

“Maybe you are. But we both know it’s too much for you.” He let her hands free, as she seemed to actually like that contact. “No one is ready to deal with mental health issues, a highly stressful job and me. You are no exception, sister.” And he was bored of being all day alone in that apartment.

Her previous annoyed look turned first into some comprehension and then a lowered gaze in an obvious confirmation. She looked like a scorned child.

“You need to be more aware of your limitations and not push them unless having real reasons.” He looked away. “And now, you have none.” It was nothing she cared, pushing her own limitations without a real reason. She liked to do that, showing herself how strong she was, it didn’t matter how self-destructive she was. But that time she was meant to surprise him.

Her expression was pure guilt. Such a sweet girl. She was far more aware of that problem if her stubbornness was completely gone. Comforting her was going to be easier than he had expected.

“You don’t need to work yet. I know you are ambitious, but you should work in a small firm if you feel the need to create that routine. Not a multinational that considers you another expendable pawn, it doesn’t matter how talented you are.”

“I… know…” The tears had almost disappeared. He was being successful after all, but he was not going to stop now. Taking away her job was just the first step.

“Are you aware that your main obstacle to happiness is the unrealistic goals you are trying to achieve? Not only in your job but also in your mental health. The only result you’ll ever get is frustration.” He sighed, seeming so tired.

Leaning backward he fell on the bed, his legs hanging at the edge. Her eyes followed him with a combination of curiosity and incomprehension. But the most important part is that those emotions were slowly killing her anxiety.

His eyes remained fixed on the ceiling and his expression blank. It had been a while since the last time he had been lying on her bed with her. It had felt intimate, back then, being allowed to invade her private space without getting any reproaching look, without thinking that wasn’t his place. He thought that way now, though.

They weren’t siblings anymore, it didn’t matter what genetics said, what he felt.

“You should choose between your job and me, the one that drains less of your sanity and give up on the other one.” He looked at her again. “The best choice is probably to get rid of me.”

He devoured the uneasiness in her eyes, without even understanding what it meant.

She seemed to feel uncomfortable with his position, so she finally lied down too, on her side, looking at him.

“Do you want… to leave?” She was looking for a hidden desire of his under whose words. Adorable, how she disliked that idea, him wanting to leave her.

“No.” He smiled. “I don’t want to stay either. Anyway, the choice is yours, not mine.”

“And are you… still thinking in…” Did she think he was going to change?

“I’m still going to kill myself.” His eyes were closed, avoiding that stare that made him… feel. Maybe… sadness, or just annoyance.

“Why?”

“Why not? You want to live because you believe in happy endings.” It was an irrational and foolish belief, supported by nothing, that sounded ridiculous to him and yet he wished he had that capacity, that little portion of innocence still left. If it ever existed in him… Did it? Yes, it did. It was the idea that fueled his plans as they left Czechoslovakia. “That irrational attitude actually works.”

So many accusations of naïveté that hid his jealousy. And so many cruel words against her happiness and recovery that did the same. He stopped hating her the moment he learned the truth and all the identity he had been slowly building, relentless, against his own will, fell apart in an instant. However, the void left by that feeling was filled by another one, the familiar one that came back after a decade, stronger than ever. Envy.

Her smile was a cruel one. Reactions like that made him believe there was a monster inside of her too.

“No, Johan, you are completely wrong. Again.” Her hand reached his head, setting aside a flock of hair that fell on his eye. Her gesture tried to mean well, tried to deviate a hostility he didn’t find on her words. She misunderstood that she could hurt him that easily. “It’s not naïveté, innocence or any of those… sweet, lovable traits you think are left in me. There are no such things in what you decided I should become.” He decided nothing. Her hands created a pillow where her head lied. “The correct answer is anger. I don’t believe in anything happy anymore, I’m angry enough to resist what others want me to be, from Bonaparta to you, Johan. I’m so angry I fight back, without hesitation, until it will destroy me or them, you. I’m not a puppet like you, brother.”

He was indeed a puppet, a broken toy of a political system on the verge of collapse. Now he had no master to control those strings, but he still obeyed. Whatever they tried to create. She was right.

However, she was now the focus of their conversation, and also his thoughts. And what she had just said was indeed an interesting idea, an alternative both obvious and also hard to believe, that anger was the main fuel of her resilience. He understood the anger. He himself was little more than anger, not her. That’s why he doubted. She had known real happiness and she wanted it back. That was the real fuel of her strength. If not, she had been a lethal monster, worse than him.

A part of him still wanted to see how it would have been, her being the monster she was meant to be. The one he saved her from becoming. He still could turn her into that, if he were merciless now that he had invaded her life. He still held enough power over her, as she had shown him in those two weeks.

It was all about anger. That had been his choice, no, his nature. His answer to trauma hadn’t been to stay in the miserable position of a victim, sad and ashamed, and therefore quiet. He had cared too much about himself, in the shape of his sister, to try and avoid the victim role at any cost, embracing the monster that was there, in the darkest corner of his mind, tempting.

“You are angry enough to fight back, not enough to destroy everything.” It wasn’t necessary to explain more, so he remained quiet, eyes closed.

“You don’t destroy anymore either…” That could change in a moment, did she know that? It had always changed in just a moment, a blink. And he was still destroying, even if she could see it.

“It seems I don’t.” He lied. What did he have then? She was going to ask.

And she did. But there had been an important change in her behavior. She no longer asked out of fear but out of curiosity, being drawn to him, not like others did, with adoration, but as the sister she was, before. And he wasn’t prepared for that.

“And… haven’t you found another... goal? Anything?” He smiled. “Have you… even tried?”

“No. So don’t worry about it.” Eyes still closed.

He was embracing the emptiness and boredom he used to avoid at all costs. He had killed for many reasons, boredom being the one that created the worst crimes. He liked to experiment, and anyone around him who caught his attention become its subject. Those little experiments started as simple manipulation, with Kinderheim 511 being the starting point. He had discovered and perfected his skills both driving people to suicide and saving them. It was a curious experience, how the same could save and kill, create light and darkness.

Light… and darkness. Anna… and Johan. Or was the other way around? Only moral values said that he was the monster.

“I’m not worried. I just want to know more about you.” She did. Both, and denying it was useless.

He turned on his side, facing her, imitating her position. She had become more daring since he had praised her apparently wicked existence. It was unbelievable, that she actually needed that confirmation, even if it was him the one to tell her she wasn’t such a horrible person. He didn’t understand why she needed it, as obvious as it was that there was a whole universe between them.

He understood that feeling, though, how strange it was to live in a human body knowing you were not like anybody else, knowing you could tell no one the truth unless you wanted to destroy every relationship, even if they meant nothing to you, even if you wanted them anyway. The silence was the best for everyone and yet such an unpleasant isolation.

The need to control every word, gesture, mood, to match the expectations of others. He had got so used to it that he had no clue of how he was, what it was like, to be genuine.

She was daring, even if they were lying uncomfortably on the same bed, just centimeters away.

“Are you still recovering from the coma? Are the symptoms getting any milder?” Her eyes got curious again, trying to find something in his eyes, his body.

Had they? He hadn’t paid that much attention to himself lately since she was around. No, he couldn’t recall any real improvement. Psychosis was eating him alive again. Nothing he didn’t know how to hide, at least to an ignorant person like her.

“Yes, I’m getting better, despite being a slow process.”

Nina gave him a severe look, concerned and also annoyed.

“You aren’t. What I don’t understand is why you have to lie about it.”

Lies had to be created because of a reason, something, instead of giving the virtuous truth. Lies were completely necessary for relationships, societies to work, yet despised as a deadly sin.

“I don’t lie. I’m feeling better since I have more interesting things to attend now, like you.” Nina had strange reactions whenever he expressed any genuine interest on her. Mixed feelings probably. It seemed there was a part in her that missed terribly the brother she had once had and at the same time she despised him and any reaction she considered too normal to be genuine. He had no interest in making her understand, but the disappointment was there. She saw little more than the monster others saw – and she wanted to see it, so badly. Or maybe she was just scared. “Before coming here, I spent a month at home, completely isolated. I was gruesome…” a grin. “And lonely. Now I’m having some fun instead.” He leaned towards her, to whisper instead. “I know how offensive it can sound, but amusement is the closest thing I have to happiness.”

“So, now you confess that you can feel lonely? You lied then the other day?” She made a strange expression he couldn’t identify, and that was rare for him.

“No, I just find isolation boring. Nothing else. Not sad nor…”

Her tears made him stop. Hiding her face behind her palms and little sobs followed soon. He perfectly understood.

Another confirmation that his worries were true, although he couldn’t understand that loneliness.

She needed no comfort, but the company.

She sat straight once again, and she would have stood if it wasn’t because he reacted fast and didn’t allow her. Sitting behind, Johan hugged her, dragging her back, towards him. She offered no resistance, turning towards him and hugging him back instead, hiding her tears in a pathetic gesture. He just waited in complete silence until her weeping finished, holding her between his arms, while she was on her knees, between his legs.

It was unsettling how easily her emotions affected him, still did. Everything turned so contagious. One of the reasons why he had accepted that deal was to discover if she still possessed that power over him. When she finally broke the hug her expression rapidly changed from shame to astonishment, as she found the tears that silently fell from his eyes now.

Johan learned soon the incredible power of teary eyes combined with a bleak expression. It worked marvelously during childhood and as an adult, even if the power diminished, still was worth a try.

But his tears were sometimes sincere too when there was no one to see them. He remembered perfectly the last time he had cried, as it had been the first memory that came to his mind while he was still in the process to wake up from a coma. He was looking at the same face, even it was just a sketch in an abandoned cabin.

And now was one of those sincerer times, even if she was in front of him, to witness.

He felt…

He felt the sadness, her sadness, like his own.

“Johan…” a suspicious look. “Why are you… crying?”

“I don’t know.” His voice sounded a little hoarse. Another look like that triggered his anger. Yet he did nothing, said nothing. A different confirmation that there was no connection between them and she was unable to tell when he was being sincere.

Despite the initial doubt, she finally offered him her sweetest smile. Suddenly her arms surrounded his neck again, hugging him, to kiss his cheek. It was a strange gesture, even coming from her, filled with such tenderness, such innocence. Why was she doing that?

Then he remembered. She had done that, the few times she had found him crying as kids. He had liked that, then, being wrapped by her arms like there was nothing else in the whole world.

Not only in Düsseldorf, but also in Prague. He couldn’t actually remember it, but he knew it.

It felt so real… that acknowledgment… and suddenly it came to his mind the embroidery of a little flower, blue, on a white piece of cloth. No, it wasn’t just one, but many… tiny blue flowers over a white… dress? It was a blanket. He remembered a blanket, or maybe a bed sheet, with that pattern.

It was confusing, why was he remembering that now? He didn’t want to know anything, why did his mind force him to go back to those painful memories?

He said nothing, even if some part of him wanted to confirm the existence of that clothing, if it was a memory or just a dream. Nina promised to be as kind with that topic as she was being right now, yet he doubted her care would be enough. Not when she didn’t know what he feared about those memories. He neither.

So, he focused on the gentle contact he didn’t need anymore.

He still liked it, though. The warmth he used to feel was still there, maybe too frail to crave for it.


	12. Day 14. The madness (III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a hard time writing gestures, positions and such, Indulge me if I keep them quite simple, since they aren't that important in this fic. I'll try to improve, though.
> 
> I'm starting to get comfortable writing Johan, even if he's quite OOC, you know there actually no real reference to stay canon.
> 
> And the final part of this chapter, enjoy!

They had spent quite some time lying on the bed like that. He was in a supine position and on his right was her, lying on her side, her head touching his shoulder.

“Have you ever loved me… or anyone?” Her voice trembled a little and Johan wondered how much she needed that answer. “Do you remember?”

His eyes had remained fixed on the same spot of that ceiling, hers were probably looking for an answer, intense and curious upon him. She continued.

“I… listened to the tape, the one you re-recorded with a message to Dr. Tenma. Why were you so scared of forgetting me? Which was the real reason? Can you… tell me?”

“I don’t quite know.” No, it wasn’t like that. His love for her, in case it could be considered love, was immense, obsessive, and self-defining. It wasn’t the love for another person, it was the love for that humanity, the sanity, left in him. “But you can be sure of this, you have always been a part of me, of my identity. So, there’s a good chance I didn’t care about you as another person, out of love, but about a part of me, and it was a selfish plea.”

Love.

It had always been an interesting word entangled to the very core of humanity. In his short life, he had been able to witness many different ideas of the so-called ‘love’ feeling, from the pure, innocent love of a child for a mother to the wicked, obsessive hunger of monsters. Monsters like him, like Roberto, like many other broken toys for whom that feeling had nothing of pleasant.

He didn’t like to love, not in the way he understood it.

It was just another feeling he would like to forget. If that he felt was love.

There were only two people he had ever loved, in that abominable, wicked, intense way. One was her twin sister. His love had left no room for any thought that had nothing to do with her. A love that forced him to form monstrous, megalomaniac fantasies around her, being the only people left in the whole world. A dream that turned his traumatic fantasies into a projection of his love - the horror of the massacre to the massacre for love. He was certain his existence was meaningless without her, yet he later discovered that he still could live beyond his other half, even if it was in the horrid shape of a monster. No, it wasn’t true. And as that love finally vanished, after she decided to forget him, his love vanished and therefore he stopped being a part of that abominable plan. Now it was her the one that would see it, her alone. The Scenery of a Doomsday. He had no reasons to be a part of it anymore.

Because as he was forgotten also did his love for her, turned into… nothing, pain at most.

The other person had been their mother. Her betrayal was enough to turn that love into a monstrous rage that lasted until that very moment. But that rage had some boundaries, though. It was their mother, he didn’t want to hurt her, not her, but he didn’t want to see her ever again. That’s why he had done nothing with the valuable information he had received from the careless doctor.

And then it was Dr. Tenma. His plan for him had been completely different from those who formed part of his destroyed family. It was true he considered the Japanese doctor a parental figure and indeed he behaved like that around his sister, yet... it wasn’t the same. When he met the doctor, he was already a monster, incapable of love. The doctor only awakened his curiosity with his so high moral values, something Johan was completely unable to comprehend, moral values that made him save the life of the boy he had been. No, the doctor was allowed to become a part of that plan as he had had the power to destroy him and refused to do so. Would he do the same again, if the opportunity arises? Yes, he already did.

His love became pain and anger so easily. That couldn’t be love. He understood that loving, and being loved, should be enjoyed, pleasant, enough reason to reach happiness. That’s why people longed so much to find a person to offer and be offered, love. A partner, a friend. Family. Was Nina looking for that?

He was glad, he no longer felt that way for anyone.

Her stare still was on him when he finally looked at her.

“Even if I loved you, it was the sort of feeling that would make me destroy you so easily, out of jealousy, out of anger, out of desperation… don’t you remember? You don’t want me to be like that.” She ran away from that love of his, that’s why he was so sure it wasn’t love. “Now, I like you, as I’ve always liked you, and that’s all. If what I felt for you was love, I don’t know, but don’t expect to get anything like that anymore. That’s the best for both of us.”

She wanted love, that love, and her disappointed eyes were a clear display. Silly Nina.

She needed to love and be loved. By him too.

“It was better than nothing…”

He suddenly turned towards her, lying on his side.

“Do you want me to kill everyone around you, so I’ll have you all for myself? I mean, every single person you know, from Drs. Tenma or Reichwein to that coworker you usually have lunch with. I was jealous, and I wanted to do that, when we were kids…” The terror in her eyes was amusing. “I wanted you as a possession, and thus a mere object. I cared little about your emotions, even if I was able to empathize with them as a normal person would do. I caused you pain, I felt that pain and I did nothing to stop hurting you.” He lowered his gaze, focusing on the fabric of her dress, wondering. “I was like that, still am. Although, I stopped loving little before our 20th birthday.”

It had hurt, incredibly so. He had planned it perfectly, the sloppy emails, the timing, the place. He had studied the university she was attending so he could pick the perfect spot to make that meeting as comfortable and non-threatening as possible. He had met some of her friends and classmates, to know all the little details he could use on his advantage.

Meeting her after the classes, in a campus filled with other students, seemed a perfect idea. He already knew the best way to tell her the truth, slowly, letting her process those lost memories.

He was going to apologize too. Ask for her forgiveness. Promise to stop for her. Offer himself completely, in any way she could demand, if that meant forgiveness.

He had prepared a gift for their birthday.

He had held the hope that he could have changed for the best, even if it was a little.

And the idea of her meeting a new interesting man annoyed him, so he decided to move forward and meet her sooner than expected. Same place, just a few days sooner.

“Do you remember the day you saw me in your campus? That was my plan.” She wasn’t going to believe him but now it didn’t matter. “I planned to meet you one day at university, after your classes, tell you who I was, and eventually what happened. Beg for your forgiveness and promise anything if you let me be with you again. I even planned to move to Heidelberg and study something there too. Try to have a normal life…” She was astonished by his words… why was she? Didn’t she remember?

“Johan…” She thought he was already the monster he had become later, the one she chased. No, it was created in that very moment, the one that put the final nail in the coffin of his humanity, or better, his sanity.

“I thought… you would remember not only what I did that night, but everything else. You were already an adult and I thought you would be able to endure it, somehow, anything…” It was a vivid memory, that feeling, that didn’t affect to his monotonous tone. “But all you did is faint as soon as you saw me. It was in that moment when I understood that my love meant nothing to you if you could only see the monster and not the brother I had tried to be for you. And I know it was my fault because I wasn’t able to offer you anything worth.”

And she didn’t trust him either now. She just got angry, even if she didn’t say anything. What was she angry at? Her family’s murder. The one she really cared about.

“I thought it would be better for us to be separated until we were adults, that you would be able to understand, or endure, me then.” He smiled, apologetic. He didn’t want to hear about the Fortners anymore. “It doesn’t matter now. My point is that I can’t love you in a way you may like it, I’m simply incapable of love, and that makes me happy. I don’t want to feel any sort of love, or emotion for that matter, for anyone, ever again.”

Then he hugged her. He didn’t want her to be angry anymore.

“And that’s all? I fainted once and you thought it was enough to throw your plans away? Really?” He noticed her hands on his chest, pulling him away. “Didn’t you consider trying it again?” Her anger was there, in her tone, her expression, but she wasn’t accusing him of the murders he committed after that but of abandoning his plans with her. As she had been doing since the first day, her accusations focused on his lack of faith in her.

He had betrayed her too it seemed.

“You forgot me, completely, and during a decade it never came to your mind that I even existed. I caused you nightmares, and at the moment you saw me you immediately fell unconscious, to wake up and remember nothing new. I looked familiar to you. Did you ever feel anything whenever you heard the name Johan, or Anna? Did you ever found anything written in Czech, someone speaking the language and discovered that you understood it? No, you buried it within you, deep, and it was meant to stay that way.” His smile was a pure accusation. “My hope had been incredibly weak and I had been terrified of being abandoned again in the same way. You fainted, as you had done ten years before in the hospital. It was clear for me, that nothing had changed in that time.”

Her eyes cried again, silent, but this time it had nothing to do with her job. He got closer again, not touching her, but changing to his kindest tone instead.

“I failed in loving you the same way you loved me, and even if you were a child you were smart enough to notice it. The way we got separated is a consequence of it. So, my answer to your initial question is, again, that I didn’t love you because I don’t know what love is, and if I ever knew it I just forgot.” And he still didn’t understand why she cared so much about it.

His hand reached her jaw, forcing her to look up to his eyes. “Is that what you want from me now? Love?”

She didn’t answer, only her eyes dried.

“So, you’ll be able to control me?” He finished.

No, it wasn’t like that and her eyes told him. At the very least it was just one reason. Her silence was all answer he needed, so he continued.

“No, it’s not that simple. You feel something for me, some sort of affection, real or just a ghost of what you felt, and you want me to feel the same for you...” He didn’t allow his expression to change one bit. Even when he felt... something, maybe just uneasiness.

“I don’t know, Johan. I guess it must be something if I tolerate having you around so easily.” That was a smart answer.

“You are right. And I can say the same.”

She dared to smile, pleased. She needed that after all the cruel words.

“So, you feel something for me? Whatever it is...” Then it was her the one to get closer until her head touched his torso again. He leaned towards her, accepting the contact and hugging her again. Why was he doing that?

“Yes. Happy now?” She couldn’t see it, but he was smiling. She needed his kindness, so he was willing to give it to her even when he felt nothing of that, or at least too mild to care.

 There was silence again. A comfortable one.

She had another question.

“Do you still refuse to remember anything?”

“Yes, I don’t want any memories as I don’t want any emotions either.”

“Why? I really don’t understand… Is there any reason why you don’t want to remember anything at all? What are you afraid of… after… you already know the worst so…” Such a confused look.

But there was no way she could understand him on that. And they had indeed created, even if it was a momentary fantasy, the sort of siblings’ intimacy they used to have when they lied like that on one of their beds and talked about anything that came to their minds.

“I don’t fear a traumatic memory, Nina. In fact, I think they probably are somehow happy childhood memories, better than any we have since we came to Germany. That’s not the reason.” He was hesitant. He didn’t mind sharing anything with her, create an accurate idea of him on her head, so her memories would be real… but that was a line he shouldn’t cross. That was a tool he was giving to her, the same way she had already done with him. “I don’t want any memory at all, a childhood.”

Her eyes told him she understood.

He didn’t want a life of his own, his memories, his feelings. Anything at all.

He wanted to forget and disappear.

“That’s the only positive effect of the coma. I’ve already lost many other memories.”

 “What…? What do you mean? What is that you don’t remember?” Her expression was a terrified one. And a concerned one too. She cared.

But his sole answer was a smirk.

“I’m not a docile brother, Nina. I haven’t changed, but instead of destroying others my focus now is myself.”

Her eyes told him she understood that too. She knew self-destruction.


	13. Day 22. Hiatus

It had been almost a couple weeks since Johan had dissected her whole mind, her whole identity. She had found it annoying, unsettling, overwhelming, and a complete list of adjectives that couldn’t describe how she was feeling, yet the most important one was safety, as strange as it was. She felt safe having him around… no, she didn’t. Yet he could offer a sort of comfort no one else was able to. He was a safe space in which there was no need to fake, to control, to match expectations. As much as he had accused her of past and present decisions, he had never dared to accuse her of what she had been or became. Unlike her. In fact, he had praised her. Wasn’t it funny?

She had spent her whole life wondering what that was… the darkness inside her. The amnesia made it easier to cope with, even when she knew she wasn’t like others around her, she just faked it. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but her behavior, her whole personality, had always had something artificial, calculated. That’s why she had always seemed so likable to others. Being an actress, the most intelligent thing to do was to choose the best role possible. The loveliest one.

There was a time when she had believed that was really her. Did Johan ever believe it too?

That steady pattern lasted for a decade until her life turned into a nightmare once again for another three years. She changed during that time, but not as much as she thought, no. She had been already like that, hidden in the life of a regular student living a normal life. Those years just made the uneasiness dissolve as the amnesia was replaced by vivid and terrifying memories capable of explaining her whole self. Everything made sense then, absolutely everything.

Then, what was the problem?

She would have loved to go back to that time of amnesia, of uneasiness instead of fear and anger, time of normality. Ignoring the void had been easier.

And the chase damaged her too. She did things she never expected to do, dealt with people she didn’t want to meet, was in places she didn’t want to see ever again. Yet most of the cracks in her soul were previous.

As life went back to normal she found herself unable to be the same, it didn’t matter how hard she tried. She had to heal for the latest wounds and the ones her amnesia made her forget, still wide open and bleeding. Thus, she went back to therapy and more therapy, during years. Finding that the actress was back, playing her best role once again, not letting anyone come close to a truth she needed to share, but never dared to. At that moment she was able to understand him. They had never been closer.

 

* * *

 

It was a surprise to find her apartment empty. A terrifying one.

“Johan?” She called, knowing no one was going to answer.

She stood in the middle of the living room, still wearing her coat, after checking every room on that apartment.

No… no…

‘Come back… please come back…’

She went back to his bedroom, opening the wardrobe. All his clothing was still there, same with his suitcase and all his belongings. He hadn’t left, no?

He needed nothing for the afterlife.

She went back to the living room as her heart was racing, considering how stupid had been to think she would be able to deal with him all by herself. If he ever killed again she would be the one responsible for that, even if it was himself the victim.

She had no idea what to do. The wisest idea would be calling Dr. Reichwein and telling him the whole truth, or calling the police…. She should call the police, even if it meant… no, no she couldn’t. She had given shelter to a serial killer for almost a month.

She was… his accomplice.

Oh no… she had actually done that.

How could she…?

Luckily her thoughts were interrupted some minutes later.

The main door opened as Johan entered the apartment.

“Good evening, Nina.” He smiled. He had the other set of keys from this apartment on his hand. One she had never given to him. Anyway.

“Where the hell have you been?” Seeing him was a relief, but the anger remained.

“On the rooftop.” He smiled, taking off the black jacket he was wearing. “I’m sorry, I thought I would come back earlier than you… but I needed some fresh air.”

“You can just leave a note, you know, just in case…” she approached him. Not that she would believe a message in a note saying that he had gone for a walk.

“If I’m not here you can be sure I’ll be back soon. I have no intentions to leave you unexpectedly,” his voice tried to sound conciliatory. “I’ll prepare something for dinner, you can just relax.” He disappeared through the kitchen door. “What about Schnitzel?” He asked, after some seconds checking if they had everything needed.

“It’s fine.” She answered from the living room, before heading towards her bedroom in order to change her fancy office dress for something more comfortable.

Minutes later she joined him.

“Since the day I found you here… Have you ever left the building?” He was already busy chopping the pork meat, so she focused on peeling potatoes, not without glancing twice at the knife he was using.

Such a mundane picture, the both of them cooking. And so amusing to think they had turned into something like that, something like siblings able to cooperate on mundane chores. What would have thought the past Nina if she saw herself living with the Fortners’ killer?

“Not since I brought my luggage.” As the meat was ready he searched for a pan. He really had some idea of cooking.

“Why? Aren’t you… I mean, it might be boring to stay here all day… no?” He moved in front of the stove, right next to her and she focused all her attention on him, forgetting what she was doing.

“Not at all. It’s enough to have some books to read and you to talk. I’ve used the TV and the computer too, some days.” All her privacy was compromised, and her computer was, of course, no exception.

However, she didn’t believe him. He had always been incredibly busy, even if that meant to fake a normal life as he was being a serial killer, a prodigious student, and a bank CEO. He couldn’t stay so long like that, being idle. She was sure of that.

“So…” Not a good idea to tease him about it, so she asked instead. “Johan… are you… ok?”

He looked surprised, even confused. She was being too stupid, so she tried to explain better.

“I mean, you look healthy after... everything…” Not exactly as he seemed much thinner than what would be considered healthy for an adult male. His clothing could conceal it, but only partially. “You seem recovered without any serious neurological damage… or are you hiding it?”

He just smiled as his eyes focused on the stove. He needed some seconds to answer.

“My health has never been good.” He suddenly turned towards her. “But it seems I can still manage so I think I can say that I’m… ok.” He smiled, as his hips leaned toward the end of the worktop, arms crossed on his chest.

What a vague answer.

“Can you be a little more specific, brother?” She didn’t realize as her hand reached his arm, reassuring. His eyes followed that gesture with no reaction.

“I’m sure I will die soon, whether it’s a bullet or natural causes.”

That was bad, really bad. She had no idea how to react and he simply focused again on the cooking process, getting rid of her hand with a subtle gesture.

“Why… are you…. so sure?”

“I just am.”

She took a deep breath. Would it be useful to yell at him? Ask him to answer a damn question properly? No, absolutely not. So, she insisted instead.

“Are you always so cryptic when asked about your own health?” The sweet teasing. “So… you have no problems telling me about your being a psychopath but not about your headaches? Does it make any sense?”

“I understand that you are curious about the former yet not about the latter. My health is simply none of your concern.”

“Are you afraid of gaining some of my pity?”

Were his eyes simply confused? Did he not understand her interest at all, for god’s sake?

“I’m curious.” She was. And also concerned, somehow, aware of the magnitude of his mental and physical health problems.

“It seems that the anxiety is gone but headaches and hallucinations are much worse.” Then he pointed the worktop in front of her, and the potatoes. “I’ll need those soon.”

“What? Do you suffer hallucinations?” She shouldn’t be that surprised.

“The most accurate term would be psychosis, I think. The answer is also affirmative.”

She stayed silent while cutting the potatoes, considering her response.

“Johan… you know that proper medication could ease those symptoms…” He didn’t need to go through any therapy, just buy something on any illegal market he was probably involved in.

“And why should I want to ease them?”

Hmmm… what?

“Do you actually enjoy panic attacks and voices in your head?” She was the one surprised and equally confused. He and his extreme distrust on medicine.

“No, but neither using drugs to mask them. I’ll put an end to everything the moment I can’t bear it anymore.” He said it with his most monotonous tone, as an obvious fact.

And it couldn’t be more annoying. She hadn’t expected to face a masochist brother.

She suddenly grabbed his arm again, forcing him to turn towards her. He didn’t like that, but only his eyes turned slightly colder. Nina didn’t care at all.

“Johan, I understand that you had… horrible experiences with doctors, but there are more people like Dr. Tenma, who would genuinely like to help you… and…” Was that the problem, trust?

“I’m not afraid of doctors,” an amused smile, “nor their treatments. I’m simply not interested.”

“Why?”

“You want to hear that, some sort of excuse, like fear or distrust. Laziness even. For you is unthinkable, yet I have no interest in changing what I’ve become. You want to think that my behavior is some sort of reflection of my inner turmoil and therefore I can become a better person if I heal. That’s not likely to happen.”

Johan having some superpowers to read her mind started to sound more and more rational.

“Really?” Her hand tightened around his arm, but he did nothing. “Because you seem more like a textbook traumatized child.”

“I could have been like you.” His hand reached hers, setting himself free with such a gentle gesture, before focusing again on the frying pan. He had just saved their dinner from burning.

“You should have.”

“I admire your strength, sister, but I also find it pointless.”

“So, you really liked the idea, me having a normal life while you were in a coma in a Police Hospital. You prefer prison or an asylum to a life you control, freedom…”

“Do you remember what I told you about my emotions?” He suddenly stepped behind her, taking the potatoes. “I don’t think I can’t feel any joy either. That’s why it’s pointless for me to desperately seek happiness like you do.”

He had been happy in Düsseldorf, enough to hate losing that little life… but couldn’t he be happy anymore? Couldn’t he or he was just too depressed? But now there was another theory, the one relating his physical health, simple as that.

“You changed topics.”

“Yes, I did. Glad you noticed.” He seemed to find the cooking so interesting, as his eyes barely left the stove. “As I said I have frequent and intense headaches and since the coma also dizziness, along with some vague pain and rigidness across my whole body.”

She hadn’t been aware, but had all their conversations been that chaotic?

“I see.” Nina looked at him. He didn’t do anything for the sake of his own health, neither mental nor physical. His own self wasn’t worth the effort. She promised herself to be more alert to any sickness or mere discomfort he could show in the future.

Johan finished cooking in complete silence while she focused on cleaning. Only by the time they were sitting on the kitchen table she talked again, to ask that question that had been bothering her for weeks.

“How did you escape?” He took a sip of red wine.

“I didn’t escape, I was set free.”

“What?”

“It seems that some of my bank clients are now members of the government. They didn’t want me to leak certain information to the media, so I easily bought my freedom back.”

“You have a… deal… with someone in the government?” What the hell… they knew, they were completely aware that he had killed hundreds of people… and they negotiated with him. Was that brat’s pretty face that effective? “How can they be so damn retarded? What the hell do you have? What?”

His smile was almost proud. He seems to enjoy showing her how merciless and corrupted the world was. He was right.

“Black money. But the sums were actually impressive so… it would be a real scandal…” By the look in his eyes, he wanted to leak that information, badly. How was he going to miss such an opportunity of creating chaos? “I would have never appeared if it wasn’t safe for you. I don’t want you to lie to the police for me, give shelter to a criminal.” He focused on the food.

She suddenly left the fork, reaching one of his hands and his attention with it. She was actually glad that she never found herself of that situation, hiding him.

“Don’t.” She smiled, knowing nothing she would say mattered. “Our deal is much more interesting.”

He looked at her before answering, in the same way he did when he couldn’t understand her answer, usually because it was too silly, naïve or sentimental.

“I’m not exposing you to such danger.”

“What danger?”

“If someone would want to take revenge over me, you are a better and easier victim than myself.” There it was, a collateral consequence of her insane chase. “You are indeed so vulnerable.”

She nodded, even if she had no idea of how vulnerable she was and which dangers he could expose her to, as she had no idea of the people he had been involved with. She didn’t want to know either.

He took his glass, taking a small sip of red wine. She did the same.

“Don’t you have any… new identity?” He probably had.

“No, nothing. I really don’t exist, not even as a name on a list.”

“You should get one, even if it’s not going to last long.” She had started behaving like the sister she should have been. Being the leader, sometimes, instead of the follower.

“Why? I really am a nameless monster.”

“You are not.” Her hand caressed his, subtle. “You just want to be one again, as you don’t know how to be something else.”

“I don’t want to be something else.” He whispered.

“You don’t dare to be something else, and that’s why you think death is your only available choice.”

Then it was him the one who nodded, smiling.

“You are right.”

Nothing like agreeing completely with someone to finish a conversation.


	14. Day 23. Her identity

She woke up as soon as she sunrays reached her bedroom window. A bad sleep night as her anxiety had worsened for some reason, again. The idea of dealing with Johan during a whole day didn’t look so interesting today.

Avoiding getting too close to the living room, where he was, she headed towards the shower. The warm water actually helped, even if it was just a little.

“Good morning,” Nina tried her best smile that rapidly disappeared as she saw him. He always looked somehow tired, too pale, but healthy enough. His expression that morning was very different, completely exhausted, emaciated even. And the anger in his intense stare. “Are-”

“Good morning, Anna.” He interrupted. A rare action that explained everything.

Oh no, that day… she wasn’t ready for that argument, for the explanations she didn’t have, and he didn’t deserve.

“You finally discovered.” She stood by the door as he had been walking around the room in a way that showed his astonishing agitation.

He had just discovered how, after three years being Nina Fortner, she had not only changed her status from law student to attorney but also her name, becoming once again Anna Liebert with a little change, Nina had become her new middle name. It was incredibly surprising that he hadn’t found it before, as all the documents from her cases included her name on the top.

“Why?” His eternal calmness was preferable to his blatantly obvious anger. Was it anger? He really seemed annoyed, but also anxious. His emotions, whenever they had been that obvious, had been also incredibly contagious for her. That hadn’t changed one bit. Exactly what she needed today.

“I’m not going to answer to that.” Her heart was racing. No, no, no… she needed to get out.

“You are.” He approached her, ice eyes, and she instinctively made a step backward. A bad choice. Fear was the last thing she should display in front of him.

“Sorry?” A challenging smile as her eyes narrowed. “This is not part of our deal…”

“The deal is already broken.” He doomed. He even seemed… disappointed?

“What!? No... you…” Her hands squeezed into fists.

“Don’t blame me. It’s your fault.” He gave a half shrug.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Could have been, that he had already… killed?

She had been incredibly silly thinking that an agreement with her was going to mean anything. It was so obvious now. She had left him on his own, during so many hours. He could perfectly predict her schedules… it was so easy to come and go unnoticed.

“I made a deal with someone that no longer exists. Does Anna want the same?”

“Johan… I’m the same person. Exactly the same…”

Oh no… she was starting to grasp the meaning that change had for him.

“And that’s why you decided to no longer be Nina, after more than a decade. Because you are the same.” He didn’t need to yell to express the wrath that invaded him. In fact, his voice’s volume didn’t change one bit compared to the usual, neither his monotony, and nothing could be more unsettling at that moment.

She was terrified, more than she thought she could be in front of him. Thus, it was easy to turn that fear into the anger he deserved, somehow easy, as he was no longer a monster to chase but a brother to confront.

And she attacked.

“Really, Johan Liebert? Because I have no idea why I’m calling you that. If I’m not wrong, you have been like… a dozen different people…” She didn’t even know all of them. “At least Franz, Erich, Michael, Wilhelm… Thomas too maybe? And all of them after being Johan for nothing more than a year… should I ask you why you are using that name?”

“The only reasons are you and Dr. Tenma, since we meet him back then and therefore he reminded you in Heidelberg that you had a brother called Johan, no? I use it because you do so.” He got even closer, standing right in front of her and her folded arms. “I would prefer if you avoided any name at all, but since that’s an inconceivable proposition for a normal person I refrained to ask.”

He wanted indeed to be a nameless monster. She wasn’t going to let him, and her smile showed so.

“Well done. Choose the name you prefer, I don’t care at all, but you are going to have one, or I’ll keep using Johan.”

His answer was a disappointed glance at her and… a sad one? But he remembered easily that he was the attacker and was not going to let her go like that.

“None of us is going to get its wish granted then.” He suddenly reached one of her hands to drag her to one of the sofas. His firm grasp had little to do with his usual gentle contact. Another proof of his agitation. “Why are you Anna Liebert again?” he asked once they were both sitting on the same sofa.

Why not tell him the truth, it was his complete fault after all. Her voice turned cold, on an intent to ease the anger.

“You can imagine the media frenzy after what you did in Ruhenheim, no? While you were little more than a comatose body in a Police Hospital, others became the main interest of the media. Dr. Tenma appeared daily on the news as his case was solved, and I found myself in a nightmare of journalists and stalkers, especially after that one day when I turned from the survivor of one of your crimes to your long-lost twin sister. Imagine the morbid… even in Heidelberg.”

She could have talked about all the questions, and the inopportune curiosity of people she had considered trustworthy, of classmates, professors. How she had even studied him as a case in a criminal law class.

“Yet you endured it, being the same student on the same town, changing nothing. The media has now lost all interest on you or Tenma. And then you decided to change your name after moving to Dresden.” His eyes were focused on her hands, or completely lost. He didn’t seem to understand her reasons at all.

“Yes, after graduating. I finally left everything behind and started a completely new life, the professional one. After having three years to think what I wanted an-…” Better not.

“What else?” He wasn’t happy with that answer either. It explained a new identity, not going back to a past one. His eyes came back to hers.

She held her breath.

“I… after three years, no one expected your awakening… me… well, I had no idea what to think.” Amusing how her voice changed to an even shy tone. “I would have preferred to… consult it with you. If you ever… if we ever talked again. I would have told you my intentions before making any decision, to know at least that you don’t care at all or know your opinion if you have any...” She wasn’t sure. “Do you… really care?”

“I understand that you wanted to start a professional life without such past. What I don’t get is why you chose a name from that same past you wanted to evade.”

“Anna Liebert means more than some random name. However…” That was some sort of lie. “It has nothing to do with you. Even if it’s the name that links me to you, as siblings, I’m not trying to be your sister again. In fact, I’m getting rid of the shadow you cast upon Nina Fortner, and Anna Liebert has become a synonym of anonymity and therefore freedom.”

Her last sentence made him smile, cold, satisfied.

“I finally killed Nina Fortner.” He titled his head as his eyes focused completely on her. “What does Anna mean to you?”

What did it mean?

“It’s the person I should be if it wasn’t for her brother. I didn’t choose to be Nina, you did.” A bright, wholesome smile on her lips. “Now it’s my decision to be her again and, I’m sorry Johan but I don’t mind if it makes you angry, annoyed or whatever you are feeling with now. You stopped defining my identity a while ago.” That was such an obvious lie.

He suddenly slouched back against the sofa, with both hands on his abdomen. Eyes closed.

“I’m not angry. What makes you think I am?” He took a deep breath. “I’m actually happy to have Anna back.”

What the hell… so, happy Johan was much scarier than the angry one. God… was he aware of it?

“You are… happy…?” She repeated, and his eyes opened, vaguely, making him look so tired.

“Yes. I miss…” He looked at her. “Anna.”

She had no idea how to react, so she copied his position and soon they just looked like a couple of tired siblings relaxing there. And of course, she had no idea how to feel. On the one side, there was some relief, manipulative as it could be, aware that any sort of emotional dependence on her was something she could use. On the other side, there was some hope as he had confessed that, even if there was little he was interested in, still there exist something that involved her, and therefore she was something important for him, even then.

There was still a brother who cared about his sister.

“What exactly do you miss?” She teased, wanting him to explain better.

He smiled, eyes still closed.

“I don’t know.” He remained silent for some seconds. “Everything about that time when we were Johan and Anna Liebert.”

“I know.” She did, but also needed his confirmation. “I like it too. liked Düsseldorf, the house, our parents…”

She did, but he had to murder them.

“I’m sorry.” His intense stare had lost all the previous sleepiness.

“Are you?” She whispered, even if her eyes thanked him for those words.

He wasn’t sorry, not in the way people were, but his words had a different meaning. He was telling her she was right, all the accusations about his careless behavior the night he shot the Lieberts. He had lamented it back then and now he confessed he still did.

“Yes. I think you should know.” Then the intensity of his eyes turned into misery, such a strange display. “That night, when I heard Bonaparta’s voice in our own bedroom… I couldn’t see we were safe, in the West, even if he knew where to find us.” And he almost whispered. “I’ve never lost control like that night, never again.”

“I do understand, now.” And even if it was no way to justify a double homicide, she could see it was the terrified child and not the monster who committed that crime.

No, it wasn’t, yet her weakened morality always found easy ways to cope with his crimes, even justify them at certain points. Even if she had not killed, she had aimed to, wished to. She wasn’t going to be the one to accuse. He was right, maybe she was a little psychopath herself. And he knew.

She lied her head on his shoulder, in a gesture that had little of spontaneous. He was feeling more comfortable than most of the time and she could use that to get some more information about him. Why not try it?

“Johan… why did you… had many other foster parents…?”

He took one of her hands. That was a good sign, and he knew.

“There’s little I could do as an eleven-year-old boy, and by that time I could use a normal life, get a proper education and understand how society works. Also, improve my social skills.” His head ended up over hers.

“Wasn’t there any reason that wasn’t… purely logical?” Did he need it?

“I didn’t want to be alone, back then. Not right after losing you.” A pause. “Nor nameless.”

Like the nameless monster who tried countless names, blending into society to finally devour it every time. He had tried the same strategy and found himself facing the same consequences.

Even if he had been nameless, a part of him had always tried to become someone… someone human. He had carved for an identity, a family, acceptance and finally… love. During his whole life. And now that she offered him all of that he simply rejected her.

And he still was happy that Anna was back.

And he wanted to remain nameless.

It simply was too late for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Anna is back! Well, I know I know... this is probably too out of character even when I find the reason of anonymity enough to justify it. Anyway, I wanted to try and write what Johan would do if she went back to that name and... you'll see in the following chapters :D
> 
> I chose the name of the fanfic long before deciding this to happen, I swear xD (my subconscious is smarter than me)
> 
> Oh, and thanks to everyone for investing some time on reading this fic, your kudos, and comments!


	15. Day 24. The chaos (I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rather short chapter, but a cute one, though :)

Johan’s happiness over her new name had been by far the most disturbing experience he had offered to her. His sincerity, again overwhelming. His agitation, threatening.

As terrifying as he was, the logic on his behavior had been soothing and finally predictable to her, once his goals became clear. The real terror came with his emotions, his irrationality.

His own confusion, as obvious as it was.

She had wanted him to be again that brother she remembered, and she achieved it. It had been as easy as becoming Anna again.

Then, why was she that terrified?

Was she too used to the monster instead of the brother?

She was.

 

* * *

 

His anxiety was something almost painful to see, like a caged beast. The whole Sunday morning had been like that, she trying to work on the living room table and Johan… feeling.

Enough.

“Johan.” He, who had been doing nothing at all during all the morning, no reading, looked at her, surprised. He had forgotten where they were. “Talk to me.”

It had been a curious discovery, as she wasn’t able to remember him doing that, the way Johan seemed to dissociate completely from reality, at a given moment, and his only reaction when she tried to get his attention was a confused look, scared even, and his momentary vulnerability. She was aware that he wouldn’t allow himself to do something like that unless it was completely out of his control.

“What do you mean?” His voice remained calm, his eyes on the streets below them.

“What are you thinking?” She stood up, ignoring the chaos of papers on the table and approaching him.

“About what you said, your name… and how you decided to become Anna Liebert once again.”

No, please, no more questions about it…

He seemed to anticipate her fear and looked at her, smiling, before focusing on the street below again.

“I thought Nina Fortner held so much value to you, that it was the person you wanted to be regardless of my existence. You only used the name Anna as a fake identity, as a prostitute in Frankfurt or a waitress in an Italian restaurant. I thought you had abandoned that name and it was mine to use.” He looked at her then. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to steal it from you. I’d have never used it if I had known.”

He seemed so sincere in that apology, so maybe he really meant it. Stealing a name of hers was too much of a crime for him. Even if he considered himself a part of her so… wait, what?

No, his apology didn’t refer to its use per se, no, he was apologizing for turning Anna into a killer in Prague, not using her to go to the supermarket or flirt. She didn’t even mind that part, even if it was rather disturbing.

And then, a whole different topic to address, the cross-dressing.

“Why… did you… dress like a woman in Prague?” Her eyes looked at him with badly hid curiosity. She thought it was impossible he could become a woman, even with a face like his. And why?

“I simply wanted to. It was something I’d done in the past and I thought that repeating that behavior would trigger some memories. I wandered around the streets trying to remember and then…”

“… then? You decided to use it?”

“Oh, I never meant to. It was more of a…” He giggled. “I used those clothes to do simple tasks, chores. One of them was going to the grocery store. One day I just happened to cross paths with that detective, Jan Suk, and by the way he looked at me, it was clear that manipulating him as a woman would be way easier than as a man.” His eyes looked down, to his own body. “I guess I’m androgynous enough to make a fine lady.” When he looked at her his eyes were proud. See, he could become her whenever he wanted.

Could he?

Her stare was so curious, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“You are, with makeup, proper clothing and… that voice.”

It could be modulated to match a more feminine one, even if it was way deeper and hoarser than hers. And he could just keep using those blazers that would hide his broader shoulders. He had probably done that.

“Did you like it? Being me?”

“Yes, of course.” His enthusiasm was enough of an answer. “While I dressed like you, I also tried to copy you, everything, trying to identify how would you react to… everything. It was fun, so much fun.” Oh god, he liked that. “Then I had to deviate a little from your behavior, change that apparent innocence of yours and use some other tools, like seduction. Have you ever done it?” Then it was him the one who seemed curious about the other.

“What? Manipulate people? No.” That might be a lie.

“No, I know you can be as manipulative as I am. I wonder about how seductive you can be… can your Anna be like mine?” Not as seductive as his tone at that moment. Definitely not.

She rushed to answer but only her mouth opened without any words. She had no idea.

Had she ever cared about attracting men? No, she hadn’t. She hadn’t like a student, neither as a fugitive and again, neither as a returning student. The question was, why?

There had always been something disturbing in the others’ eyes, every time she had tried to act like the woman she was supposed to be, some hunger, desire, she didn’t like to trigger. Something that made her feel threatened.

“Anna, are you afraid of being desired by others?”

Johan definitely had some superpowers. And her eyes reflected her thoughts, so he started laughing in the most natural, spontaneous way possible. He looked so adorable when doing so, the same way he did back then. Was he aware of it, how he did that? Did he fake it?

Yes, she somehow feared that desire.

“Hmm… I… think so? I’m not sure…”

His hand then reached her cheek, in such a gentle caress. He had forgotten all his previous uneasiness.

“You do and don’t know why, but I do.” He smiled as the gentle brother he was meant to be. “You fear it because you have witnessed how predatory it can be.” Her confused expression was answered by his nodding. “It had nothing to do with me, no, it was Bonaparta, who preyed upon our mother like a starving wolf, making us experience firsthand how destructive that behavior was. And he thought it was love.” A wicked smile on his lips. “I’ll tell you a secret, you are not alone on that fear, sister. And I have experienced both roles.”

What did he mean by both roles?

Oh, his concept of love, yes. And then…

“You wonder when I have been a victim, don’t you?” His smile was proud. He was right again. “I’ve used adoration as a tool to manipulate others. Sometimes I’ve become their desired son, others their only friend, but I’ve also failed in doing so and instead, that desire turned into something more primeval, physical even. I’ve never wanted someone to feel like that because of me, being looked the same way Bonaparta looked at our mother.” A grimace, after a little speech whose tone didn’t match the content. The harder the topic the more casual his tone.

She bit her lip. She wanted to know yet… she couldn’t…

“Johan… have you ever… suffered…?” She didn’t even want to pronounce it. It was just too much.

“Sexual abuse?” His smile was childish as he nodded slightly. “Some tried, to meet death almost immediately.” She had never been happier to hear about his crimes.

But it meant he had been fully capable of defending himself, something he could only do as an adult. Did something happen to that cute kid she remembered?

“Maybe I’ll tell you about Kinderheim 511 one day. Not now.” His tone turned colder, impersonal, but probably it was triggered by the pity he found in her expression. So, he changed topics, well, returned to the previous one.

“You must be careful, always, but that doesn’t mean every man you are going to find will be like Bonaparta. There are others who will look at you like you are a precious jewel too sacred to touch, who will do anything to protect you, even when you are fully capable of defending yourself.”

He could be so comforting sometimes. He knew how to help her, he did, and how to tease her. He had absolute power over her by now and instead of destroying her he… had become the brother she wanted. She had thought that all she needed to make him disappear from her life was another attack, a reminder that he was a monster out of anyone’s control. She had been waiting for one, even wishing one that would make her face the reality in front of her. He just pleased her most naïve dreams instead. Why?

“Anyway, you should look for another dojo, and keep practicing Aikido, just in case…” His hands reached her arms. “Although, you are stronger than me by now…” He smiled again, after a terrified look, making her laugh.

“I won’t use any Aikido on you, as long as you keep behaving…” She tried to sound threatening, but the whole conversation had just turned to bizarre.

“Would you? On me?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, definitely. Don’t make me hurt you, ok?” She laughed once more.

And he laughed too, after a faked terrified look.

“You can kill me with bare hands, sister. Never forget your physical superiority.”

And he suddenly kissed her head, before heading towards the shelves, considering the conversation over.


	16. Day 24. The chaos (II)

She should find another dojo. It had been Johan’s idea, but he was right, she missed the training and how Aikido drained her anxiety. She had already returned to her dojo in Heidelberg as she became a student once again, but since she moved to Dresden she had stopped practicing any sport at all. Work had been too extenuating, way too much, and all she wanted to do as she came back home was lie on the sofa until the next day.

Work was too stressing, drained too much of her energy.

Too much.

He was right on that, too.

And now, she was trying to work and all she could think was about the damn Aikido all over again, just because he had named it.

Yes, she couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation they had had just a few hours before, and how it had felt. It hadn’t been the words but something in her brother’s eyes, tone, made her forget completely about the monster. Completely.

She was sure he would have been like that, if he hadn’t become… what he was.

She would have loved to feel that way always, forgetting all they had been through and focusing completely on the present, the future. No experiments, no crimes, chasing… nothing.

So… that’s how it feels to have a normal sibling.

She was sure it hadn’t been her imagination and he was… had he felt something like that too? The intimacy?

Sitting by the dining room table, she turned towards him. He was again by the window. A book of international investment law forgotten on the coffee table.

He turned his head. She had almost smashed the table with the case files.

“Sorry.” She tried to order the chaos of papers. “Hmm… Don’t you want to go out for a little? A walk maybe?”

She stood, approaching him. She would like to, get away from that table for a while. And it was such a lovely Sunday afternoon. He wasn’t going to accept, though.

“You can go, I prefer staying here.” He clasped his hands behind his back. Such a Johan’s gesture.

“Really? Aren’t you bored of this apartment?” A little teasing wasn’t that bad.

“No, I’m fine. I like it.” He turned towards her. “It’s not safe to be together in public.”

Was he that paranoid about her security or it was just a pathetic excuse?

“It is! I’ve been alone for three years and here I am, completely fine. What’s going to happen now?” That was a lie, it had been some incidents. Although nothing that serious or dangerous.

“Yes, it was just an excuse,” he sat on the backrest of the sofa right behind him, still looking towards the window. “I just don’t want to go out, not now.” As if he had ever wanted. “Because there’s something I would like to talk.”

Oh, that was a surprise indeed, him being the one to start a conversation.

“Ok, let’s talk then.” They could do that while going for a walk…

“It’s a rather delicate topic, for both of us, but especially for me.”

“What do you mean by delicate?” Morally? Emotionally? Was he talking about his memories?

“Extremely painful and unpleasant, and something that confronted us.” He was talking about memories.

So… he wanted to remember. She felt some vague excitement, anticipating too naively that he was trying to do something she considered the right thing.

“Johan I’ll never attack you in any way unless you start.” He smiled.

“You’ll probably feel like I’m attacking you, but the reality is quite different.”

She frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I’d like to talk again about those memories I assumed as mine, and all the identity issues entangled.”

She nodded. She would have talked about it earlier if she hadn’t considered it too delicate.

“This is the point where I’ll lose all rationality and therefore I’ll make you feel extremely uncomfortable. But there’s no point in lying or faking since both of us want the truth.”

She nodded again, not without noticing how much those words had increased her anxiety.

She remembered her last conversation and the pathetic combination of accusations, cryptic ideas and a gun aiming at him. They could talk about it in a mature way now.

“As you already know, my ideas over it deviate too much from what it’s considered normal, and in a way, you can feel disturbing, overwhelming. I guess it’s not such a bizarre idea to consider it insanity.”

She got closer as a gentle smile curved her lips.

“I don’t care how disturbing, overwhelming, surprising or terrifying you can be. None of them will change my mind, and as I told you weeks ago, I want to talk about it.”

He looked so human at that moment, his expression being a mess of uneasiness, confusion and some… expectation?

He started.

“I was thinking about our memories of Prague, how you eventually remembered everything and how I just recovered a few memories that happened to be false. The little I remembered wasn’t mine at all.”

He wasn’t the only one confused then. Maybe he deserved to know.

“Johan… you have to know that… I was confused too. I thought that you had been the one taken to the Red Rose Mansion until few days before we met in that abandoned house.” Should he know?

It was astonishment what his eyes reflected, for a second. Yet he said nothing about it.

Then she regretted saying so, and that very expression told her that she had just fed his insanity.

“To fight my delusions over my own identity, I’ve been trying to find a logic explanation, and I think I understand it now.” No, that explanation meant nothing to him and his tone just betrayed him. “At last my confusion.”

His tone never betrayed him.

She knew what he was talking about, that explanation. And she was the one to answer.

“You only forgot about yourself, not about me, in Kinderheim 511.” She said, even when that answer seemed so meaningless to him.

Anna had only discovered the extent of the abuse he had suffered in that orphanage after Ruhenheim. Of course, she remembered all the rumors she had heard from other orphans about that place, what happened to the few boys that were rejected and brought to her same orphanage. How she tried to ask them about Johan. All the fear, the nightmares she had. But it was difficult to discern between real abuse and children’s fears.

He didn’t seem surprised by her answer, just nodded.

“I saw you, in my dreams, dressed in a pink dress, waiting at home. I remembered you, there, instead of me. Everything made sense… no? You had to be that twin, not me. You said you thought that too… why?”

She tried to keep a steady breath and therefore keep at bay her anxiety, but Johan’s own did little to help her. His train of thoughts was abrupt, disordered. His erratic talk showed it.

“I don’t know. It just…” She leaned on the wall, next to the window, hugging herself. “I was sure that you had to be the victim, so that would explain… everything.” Wasn’t it so obvious? She had never questioned it until being hypnotized. And she had wanted to believe that the trauma was his, not hers, so she was free of becoming a monster.

His hands remained over his lap, in such a calm position. His body showed no signs of his agitation, only his eyes, his voice.

“Explain everything… no, not like that. It doesn’t matter who is hurt, your feelings were mine too, and so your pain and fear. The emotions… yet not the memories. They should have been just a tale, like before… that’s how it was supposed to be.” Then he looked at her, just to find a disturbed expression.

What was he saying… what the hell…

He answered with a mechanic smile. He wasn’t attacking, just exposing his own insanity.

“I was able to feel your emotions like they were mine. While my own were vague and confusing yours were vivid, overwhelming… I had no idea feelings like joy could actually be that… real.” His eyes were intense, looking at her, like a strange creature he couldn’t quite understand and therefore found so fascinating.

Like she was from another world.

But he was the one others saw like that. Like a monster, an aberration. Such an unpleasant feeling that could actually turn anyone into a real one. Her hand reached his arm, reassuring, to stand right in front of him.

“You were just empathetic with me. That’s all…” Her hand followed the sleeve until it reached his hand, taking it. He was capable of feeling some empathy after all.

“No. I’m not. And I wasn’t.” A glance filled with confusion. “There’s no such thing as empathy with yourself. It makes no sense.”

“Johan… we are not…” His smile was a slow, cruel one. He thought he was right, and she wrong.

“We are. And your incapability to identify the proprietor of those memories you assumed as mine is the prove. We are two bodies and two souls, but that’s all, only one of us is real, and the other one a ghost. Sometimes it has been you the real one, in Heidelberg, and later it was me, in Munich the one who existed, while you became a ghost, known, and seen, by no one. A missing girl. And finally, after I got shot for the second time, you became real once again, and will remain so.” His fingers caressed hers, not doing anything to get rid of her contact. Only as his eyes found the building on the other side of the street, behind her back, he started talking again. “No, it’s not like that, not exactly. It looked like it, but the reality is quite different. You are, and always will be, real. I’m the illusory twin.” No, it wasn’t, he was as real as her. But how could she make him understand that those pathetic rationalizations of his insanity were just that? “You don’t understand me, do you?” His eyes came back to her before asking.

She knew that contradicting him would be useless. So, she tried to apply a little therapeutic trick.

“No, it makes no sense to me.” She used a kind tone, a sweet smile. “Why do you think you are illusory?” Would he be able to rationalize it?

“You possess all the attributes of a human being, while I don’t. You know who you are. You have some defined personality traits, tastes, hobbies… interests of any sort… and opinion on every particular matter. Even if it was disturbed by lost memories, you were someone.”

Did she know? Hmm… yes. At least she remained somehow the same all her life, even if there were a fake façade and a real monster, a little one, hiding inside of her.

He didn’t expect an answer and so he continued after a little pause.

“I don’t have anything of that. I played a role when I was your brother, the one I thought would be better for you. I chose to be the prince and the monster. And I liked everything you liked, hated the same. I copied you because I had no reference of how to be myself since there’s nothing that causes me anything but indifference. No ideas, opinions, moral values. I don’t have any sort of boundaries, anything that defines me. Because of that, to match a human being, I had to artificially create one for myself. The other identities, names, were some more creations.” He looked at her once again and then to their hands. “Michael Reichmann was a shy child who liked animals and history books. He hated vegetables. Erich Springer was on the other side an extroverted, you loved music and playing the piano. A little cocky, but ultimately friendly and docile. Johan Wilhelm Liebert was more rational, hardworking law student interested in children rights, and a philanthropist. Also, a little eccentric and chaotic. I not only change names easily but whole identities, personalities, opinions, ideas… because I don’t have any of them. It’s incredibly easy.”

No, he wasn’t the void he thought, but she couldn’t tell him as she had promised. He existed, as a very different, independent identity when they lived in the Three Frogs. He simply didn’t remember, neither when they met back in Düsseldorf nor now. And it was at that moment when he had started doing that, creating people and becoming them. He knew he had forgotten so much in that place, why wasn’t he able to understand?

“Don’t you think… it might be because of a traumatic experience and the consequent amnesia, instead of being simply your nature?”

“It probably is, yet it doesn’t matter at all, if I stopped being someone at a given point in time or I’ve always been like this.” He suddenly smiled. “And according to your words, you actually remember a different version of me.”

“Johan, you existed, as a defined individual person. An adorable one. And even if you have forgotten so much, I’m sure there’ll be something left in you of that person…” She really doubted that. In any case, it wouldn’t be enough for him to care. “Have you ever tried to… find that you like? What do you think over any topic at all? Who you are?”

He then stood up, getting away from the window and the turning around all of the sudden, like he had remembered something, when he was standing in the middle of the living room.

“I know perfectly what I like. At least in terms of little, simplistic pleasures: flavors, aesthetic…”

That was a start.

She followed him and soon they were both standing in the middle of the room-

“And what do you like?” She was too curious and hence she interrupted him. “Please…”

He looked at her with vague confusion, the same that didn’t understand her interest, in his health or tastes.

Then he smiled again, his mechanic one, before focusing on the answer.

“I like black tea for example, and… pineapple pizza. Also, gothic architecture and Russian classical music.” His sight got lost. “That’s all I really know about myself.”

It was heartbreaking indeed. Yet she understood. In the last few years she had changed, so much, she barely could recognize herself. Only those little details about her had remained the same. How much she liked vanilla cookies, a Czech recipe, for example.

And he had to like pineapple pizza... from all. He truly loved chaos.

“And when it comes to more sophisticated ideas, all I can do is a rational analysis. But never take sides, over anything.”

She already knew that, from the boy he had been, in Düsseldorf. Yes, lacking a real self, Johan used to be incredibly rational when he had to evaluate…. Basically anything. Nothing new.

That had been something that the Lieberts had found somehow disturbing. By that time, he hadn’t made any effort to hide his indifference, and his lack of interest over everything an eleven-year-old child should like. Had he done the same later, with other families? Or it was a mistake he learned to hide?

Then she wondered something different, going back to that collection of identities he had created.

“Why did you change so often? Names… places?”

“Even though having a normal life helped, as I told you yesterday, I got rapidly bored.” Such a great excuse for a double homicide. “In the end, it was for the same reason you finally stopped being the cheerful Nina to become the survivor Anna. Because it is tiresome to fake something, again and again, when there’s no real reason to behave in that way. You decided to go back to a more realistic version of yourself and I decided I don’t want to be anyone at all. We just faced the same choice, with different outcomes, when we now want exactly the same, not to fake anymore.”

It would be a lie to say that she could perfectly understand what he was saying, about being nothing. It had little to do with names, even if they were important. They only represented an idea, an identity that embodied everything that defines a human being. She could see that, and how his monster had absorbed everything in him, leaving just a marionette instead, that could be easily named, but for whom names meant little, because no one would suit, because there was nothing to suit.

She still held some hope for him. She still thought he would be able to reach something closer to peace, happiness. Something better than what he knew as life. And that it would be the way to stop him and help him at the same time. If it was in any way possible.

“And do you like it? Being no one?”

His smile was sincere.

“Yes. I was tired of faking. I don’t have to do it anymore, when I’m with you, and I like it.”

“So… are you, genuinely being you?” She couldn’t believe it. He was not the one to lose control over himself like that.

He nodded.

“Yes. I hide some things, but I stopped controlling the way I behave a while ago. And I think you are doing the same…” he titled his head. “It seems we both failed in our manipulative endeavors, sister.”

Too good to be true. But he was right about her, she got rapidly used to him and then eventually gained a spontaneity she never expected to show in front of him.

“I don’t think there’s much we can hide one another. At least not anymore… don’t you think?”

His answer was silence, and a blank expression, for a while. He got lost in his thoughts again.

“Sincerity has never been a choice for me, until now.” He focused on her once again. “And you saw. All I did, to you, to others. I offered you sincerity in the worst way I knew, again and again, because I was angry, tired, of lying, of hiding. I’ve always wanted you to know the truth but there’s no such thing. I should have been sincere about my inexistence, but… would you have understood? Is that sincerity or just another lie? I don’t think there’s anything real on me and usually life doesn’t feel real at all. Just a scenario in which I walk like a puppet, whose strings are pulled by forces outside of me. There’s no such thing as reality either, I’m sure of it. Or maybe it’s just me, and I’m still lying on that bed and I’ve never woken up.” His tone was monotonous, his expression blank.

What could she answer to that?

“I’ve already lived several lives, perished in several ends. It feels like that, a cycle that never ends. Maybe I really am immortal, and that’s the punishment god reserves for me. I tested the boundaries of evil and conquered it, again and again. Eternal pain and agony in this purgatory, for sins that are mine and sins that aren’t.”

What the hell?

 


	17. Day 25. The end (I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... here it is! The end! It was a single chapter and suddenly became three. I thought it would be interesting to have both POVs.
> 
> I'm still considering what to write as the 20th chapter, so...

She was still trying to understand Johan’s chaotic speech, on darkness, on guilt, on reality, one that had lasted over an hour and allowed her to have a clear idea of her brother’s psyche. It had been terrifying, true, but also, comforting, soothing. Not the speech itself but his decision to share it with her.

He was a mess, a real mess. One she also identified on herself. He had truly answered to her words, on how little they could hide one another. After it, she had been convinced that they were siblings again. It was an exciting thing to believe, as a brand new relationship in her life. No, not new, but an old one returning to her after a lifetime lost.

They were siblings again.

What a strange thought.

So, she believed that, maybe, there was a new life ahead, for both of them, together.

 

* * *

 

The whole morning had passed with no notable events, same with lunch time. She had spent most of the time working on the computer and Johan… well, being around as a ghost.

“I’m leaving today,” he said, out of the blue, half an hour after she sat by the computer.

She looked at him, astonished, as he also sat, next to her, in the little office.

She couldn’t believe those words, not after yesterday, all they had talked, and how much he had shared with her.. Why was he ending things despite it? Or it was because of it?

“Why?” She left the papers she was reading. “Already? Why?”

Did that mean that he was… ending everything? Now??

“I don’t think I can be of much more use for you anymore. Unless there’s some topic we haven’t discussed yet, and you want to…”

She knew that was going to happen, he had warned her and also had kept every single one of his promises. He had behaved in a way she never considered even possible. And she had accepted him back in her life, so easily. He was no longer a monster. And now he wanted to leave?

“There are millions of topics I’d like to discuss with you, Johan. Enough to fill a lifetime.” She tried to keep a calm tone.

“In that case, there’s nothing left.” She would have liked that, talking about art maybe, history. Even going for a walk to the Altstadt. Simple things one should be able to do with siblings.

She looked at him, her astonishment clearly visible. She made no effort to hide it, instead, she wanted him to know how irrational he was being.

“I told you I don’t mind sharing everything about me, but it doesn’t mean anything, sister. Yesterday changed nothing.”

“Why? Why then…?” He was right, he warned her.

Yet his words had a strong effect on her.

She was no longer alone, misunderstood. Because he gave her no comfort, no peace, but something she valued more than anything in those moments, that was real, sincere communication. And it was Johan, and only Johan, the one who could offer her that. Because Johan was her brother and there was no way she could destroy that connection now. Even if most of them were horrors, they shared so many important things, starting for a language she wasn’t able to talk with anyone else. She hadn’t, in the last three years, without counting the few times she had visited Prague. Since the moment they had talked about it, their conversations started including more and more of Czech until the point when some of them avoided German completely.

“Are you sure… you want to end everything… like that?” She opted for a more logical approach. In no way was she going to let him kill himself without trying to convince him to stay first.

It also was plausible that he was considering another massacre.

“I’d love if you were the one how pulled the trigger, but it seems I can’t have that.” He looked away. “And I can’t count on Dr. Tenma anymore.”

She took his hand, wanting him back to her.

“Why? Why do you want to die like that… now?”

“What’s so different from three years ago Anna?” A childish smile, but his tone showed how it was a sincere question. What it seemed like one.

She sat closer to him before continuing, heading the chair towards him.

“You have broken ties with that criminal past…” She couldn’t be so sure. “You can become a regular citizen and no one will ever recognize you. And what’s more important, you are dead for everyone, but me. You can really wipe yourself off the face of the Earth and all you have to do is nothing.”

“I don’t want a normal life. Any life at all.” He got rid of her contact as his eyes looked, annoyed, at her.

Those words somehow hurt, really hurt.

“Anyway…” There was nothing to add, yet nothing to lose either. “You have a golden opportunity you probably never considered possible… shouldn’t you give some thought to it before making any decision at all? Three weeks don’t seem enough to me...” She was amazed by how calm her own voice sounded.

He lowered his gaze and remained like that, completely silent, for some seconds.

“You are really suggesting me to use this opportunity to… what exactly? Get a degree, a job… a social life?” Along with the mockery, his confusion was quite obvious. Yes, talking about a normal life for him wasn’t something he would be used to.

“No. I’m suggesting that you think, really think about the incredibly wide range of possibilities you have. From doing something like me: degree, job, friends, whatever, to use that incredible amount of money you have to disappear from Germany and spend the rest of your life in whatever remote place you find interesting, living like the millionaire you actually are.”

By the look in his eyes, he hadn’t done it, as he seemed to ponder the latter, even if it was just a second.

She didn’t forget the possibility of him returning to a life of crime, of murder. If he ever decided to live, it was going to be her sole responsibility.

“Anna, do you really care if I die?” His eyes looked like ice and a half smile curved his lips. He wasn’t considering the life of a millionaire after all.

No, what was indeed interesting was the intensity of his eyes the moment he contemplated the amount of attention he got from her. How much she cared. And the reasons behind it were as painful as uncanny.

She shrugged. Did she really care? Yes, no, maybe… she had actually had no idea what to think. However, she feared that it would damage her more than she expected. She had actually feared his death during all those years, now was the same.

Her hand reached his leg, leaning closer to him.

“I don’t know.” The sincerest answer. “What I don’t like is that you are making a decision in a rush, actually not considering that decision at all, just following a plan of yours from years ago.”

“I might be doing so, yet… can you picture me following any of your suggestions?” he tilted his head, looking away. He seemed to focus completely on that bizarre idea of himself having a normal life.

“Yes, I think you could.” Not so sure actually. “With time, effort and help.”

His smile was incredibly childish when he looked back at her. Some fake excitement invaded him.

“Help, like therapy?”

“A few, yes. It would be of some use.” She attacked with an intense stare.

He laughed and then she smiled, knowing there was nothing to smile.

 “I don’t like psychiatrists and on the other side…” A grimace crossed his face, looking actually cute. “It would be too much effort, trying to be as sincere as possible and at the same time avoiding any allusion to my crimes, don’t you think?”

She gave a dismissive wave of her hand, even if he wasn’t opposing that hard to the idea. He could actually make it work for sure. He had lied to everyone around him, always, and no one seemed to find anything suspicious on him. Not even her.

“Ok, then put away the therapy. Just normal help.” She didn’t want to change topics. No, when he was so open to answering.

“I don’t understand what you mean by normal help.”

She smiled again.

“I don’t know… someone…” She bit her lip. “I don’t know if you ever got close to anyone, but maybe there’s some sort of relationship that would help you, even if it’s as a distraction…” It felt so strange to consider that, any personal life of him was an absolute mystery. Even if it existed at all.

“You want me to get some friends or lovers…” He got lost in his thoughts for a second.

“Have you… had…any?” Did she really ask?

Her blushed face, sure it was, elicited a wide smile in his face. One incredibly sweet.

“Are you asking me about my personal life? My sexual life?” What an innocent tone, so mocking. But yes, that time she deserved it completely.

“No… no, or…” She laughed and one of her fists softly touched his arm. “But… I would like to know about your personal life, if you had any, and that includes any romantic interest. Not lust.”

His expression became… human. What was he hiding?

“As I told you, I have never had any sort of real relationship. Relationship at all. And I guess it means I have no personal life whatsoever.”

His expression indicated otherwise. Would he ever share something that personal?

“Wouldn’t you like to try… all those things you have never done? That you might consider so mundane? Doing just silly things without a bigger scheme?”

Confused eyes upon her.

“That’s exactly what I’ve been doing with you the last few weeks, no? Being here, reading, waiting for you to decide on a topic you wanted to discuss… and nothing else?”

The question was if he had enjoyed anything of it, even if he already had a bigger goal in mind. Wasn’t he the one that wanted to ‘make her wishes true’, whatever they were?

“You told me you wanted to help me… is no longer the case?” She had liked that offer.

“And I still want, but I can’t do more than I’ve done, without stopping being honest.” He had simply failed. “All I can do is tell you my own view of you, trying to influence yours. But I don’t want to manipulate you, even if it would help you in the short term, it will only mean harm in the long one.” For the first time, he looked powerless in front of her. “I understand what you need, some support in the shape of a companion. A real relationship with someone, no matter if it’s a sibling, a friend or a lover. And even if I’m astonished that you considered me I must decline. I can’t be any of them to you or anyone. Despite it, and given your tolerant response to my presence here, I thought that you would like to talk, argue about all the unresolved issues between us and maybe it would help heal some wounds.”

His words told her something rather different. He declined not because he was rejecting her but because he didn’t consider himself capable of anything like that. Would he really consider life an option if he could help her? He would live for her, not for himself. She had to ask, push him further.

“Even if you are somehow right, you know I would never ask you something like that. If we ever went back to our relationship as siblings, we both know you are the one who needs more support. What I want from you has absolutely nothing to do with your help or support, and it’s rather closer to the opposite.” She had to make an offer.

“Are you offering your help then?” A serious look. “So I won’t kill myself?”

“What if I do?”

“Why?”

“Because it’s obvious that you can’t do anything good on your own.”

He was going to smile but at the last moment refrained.

“And you think that with help, maybe yours, I’ll have more chances to… heal?”

“No. I’m just telling you how stupid is to give up on everything because of your inability to seek help, if that’s the case.” Ask her, for help. She suddenly stood up walking to the middle of the room before facing him again. “You need me more than I do. Even now. But that doesn’t mean that I’m completely indifferent to you, of course not.” She wanted her brother back and he wanted her to be the only one alive. “I think it’s very clear that I have no problems with you being here.”

“I have trust issues…” his tone became somehow defensive. A sign that she was doing things right.

Not about trust, but something very different she had to ask.

“Johan… do you really think that low of yourself? That you should have never existed in the first place?” He had said so, out of the blue, that night when they had been drinking tea and he had told her all his thoughts about her. If he was being sincere.

He looked at her, in complete silence. He was not going to answer.

“That’s why you are so amazed by my behavior now. I already forgave you three years ago, but you didn’t care that much then, and it was confusing for me. What you care about is that I let you in my house, my life… that you have my attention again.” One step towards him. “I think I really understand you now, brother.” Her voice sounded soft, like a caress. She killed with kindness.

But he didn’t think so, or simply didn’t want to be sincere and his eyes stayed indifferent, cold even.

“I’m indeed amazed by your stupidity and your naïveté.” For once, his attack was predictable. Nothing new on his cruel words, but in his agitation, barely visible.

He was angry because he couldn’t envisage the idea of getting something different from hatred and fear.

“Johan… kill yourself for once if that’s what you want.” She approached him, a couple steps. He was still in the same position, sitting. “But you have to know… don’t think, not even once, that your death is going to make me one bit happier or be any relief. Because it’s not.”

He lowered his gaze, looking at his own hands, over his laps.

“What’s exactly, what you think you understand so well about me?” A monotonous tone that was little more than a whisper, avoiding her eyes.

“The reasons behind your behavior. You are an incredibly intelligent person, and you also possess an elite education. Your crimes fooled the police, again and again, so there’s no way Dr. Tenma or I could chase you unless you purposely made it incredibly easy. None of us had any idea where to start, or how, yet we managed to do so for more than three years. At the time I didn’t even question it, but now… how was that even possible? You even stood still in front of us, waiting to be shot. And…” She wasn’t that sure. “I don’t think you are that suicidal. You don’t feel the pressing need to end your life, no. Not anymore, or you would have tried again. What you really, really wanted was that, attention, enough to make us pull the trigger. Your anger turned you into a monster and the only attention you considered was our same anger towards you. Because that’s your goal, Johan. Your whole existence can be summarized as an abandoned, infuriated child crying out for attention, from his sibling, from his doctor, from every foster parent you ever had. You are silently screaming, all the time, for love or hate, it doesn’t matter, because above anything, you feel, always have felt, abandoned.” An abandonment that confirmed his delusion of not existing, creating a terrifying combination. “Am I wrong, Johan?”

His expression was enough of an answer, his eyes as they stared vacantly at her, all the answer she needed. A powerful one indeed.

“But that’s not all.” She continued, even if she wasn’t that sure of the last part. His answer would confirm or deny her suspicions. “You actually care, and even if it’s weak, you actually have a preference. You wish to be accepted.”

His stare was again upon her.

“I don’t think it’s unusual to prefer love over hate.” The confirmation.

“No, it’s not. But you are special. You want to be accepted by someone who is aware of your nature. You want someone to face you like a human being while knowing you are actually a monster.” Her smile then was her most comforting one. “And it has been me, only me, the one who offers you that.”

How could it be so painful to see him like that, after all he had done? His pain brought her no pleasure of any sort and knowing what he had become because of that same anguish… the same she could also feel. Because she was also an abandoned child after all, but instead of crying out for attention she wanted to be so strong, as if she didn’t even care. His sin was wrath and hers, pride. Deadly sins indeed.

She was the child their mother abandoned, and he was the one both his twin and mother abandoned, even if the latter was only in his mind.

She finally sat again next to him.

“Isn’t that what we all want? Acceptance and tolerance?” There it was, the proof.

She smiled.

“It is. And isn’t it what I’m offering you?”


	18. Day 25. The end (II)

They had spent some minutes in complete silence, sitting one next to the other, offering a comfort that needed no words.

Until Johan had stood up all of the sudden and without a word left the apartment.

She needed some seconds to react, too late to be able to chase him. But she knew where to go.

The rooftop.

And she was right. There he was, standing in the edge, a couple centimeters away from a twenty meters fall. She felt a lump on her throat and the fear.

She didn’t want him to die.

“Johan…” she approached him, slowly, to sit next to where he was standing. “What are you doing?”

“That day, when Bonaparta found us in Prague.” His expression became deranged as he turned towards her, in a movement more than dangerous. Deliberately dangerous. “Who was the unwanted?”

That questions burned in her too, maybe less intense. But it was there. And yes, she got an answer to it.

“The one who was rejected. Me.” She smiled, derisive. “It’s impossible that she confused me with you. But…” she suddenly leaned towards him, “you are asking the wrong question, brother.”

He didn’t remember it.

He didn’t, so his mind was filled with agony and pain because he didn’t know the mother they really had, and his mind could only create monsters and darkness. That mother, that even in those terrible times made everything she could to keep them alive, even happy. But for him, she only was the woman that had been capable of choosing between her children, for who one of them was unwanted.

It didn’t matter how hard memories were, the mind was always capable of creating even greater darkness.

“I don’t know the sort of monster you think she was, but I can promise you she wasn’t any. She made a mistake, a terrible one, but she loved us, both of us, and did everything she could to nurture us.” Her desperation showed in her face, knowing how impossible it was to convince him that, at least, one of their memories was happy. “I know you don’t want me to talk about that time but… Johan… you were happy then… we were…”

Because her brother back then was that, responsible, a little shy, so curious, annoyingly intelligent and creative. And he loved to tease her, almost as much as to cuddle with her. That was the little boy she remembered, and she wanted him to remember too.

He stared in silence at the abyss below, lost in his own thoughts for what seemed an eternity. And her anxiety was rising dangerously. Was he really considering it? Right now?

“As you know, I can’t remember anything.” His voice sounded so exhausted. “Thus, I can’t contradict your memories nor agree with them. It’s also plausible that you were happy while I wasn’t.”

She was aware of that, yes, since the moment she had recovered them. The consequences had differed so much between them than considering a common cause was quite unlikely.

“Why do you think it was you the one unwanted? Why so sure?”

She looked at him, in complete silence. A sad, also condescending, smile curved her lips. He needed to be reminded of the prodigy he was. Time to praise him like the god he had been for her.

It was such a lovely autumn twilight.

“You were better. Still are.” She wrapped her arms around herself. No, it wasn’t pleasant to remind herself of it. “It doesn’t matter the topic, you excel on everything, physically, intellectually… Eugenics experiments were mostly a failure, but not us, and they were capable of achieving the absolute success, as they created you. You had the charisma to orchestrate a massacre being ten, the intelligence and education to create a bank being fifteen and the charms to become the protégé of one of the most powerful men in Germany while being a university student. I couldn’t be anything more than a lovely daughter or a good student during that time. A rather normal person after all.” She was starting to freeze. “It wasn’t that surprising that you would achieve anything you wanted, anything that others like me can’t even dream. I already knew it when we were that young. And, of course, also our mother…” He had turned again, looking at her. “You have absolutely no idea how much I envied you and how blind was my admiration for you.”

His eyes remained as cold as usual. Of course, all that praising meant nothing to him, he was used to it, even if it came from her.

Ok, let's see if someone had told him this. Probably. Her tone turned suddenly cheerful, as much as the sight of her brother one step from death allowed her.

“I’m going to confess you my stupidest secret.” She giggled, watching him walking along the edge. “When we were kids, I used to think of you as my prince, I wanted you to be it, so badly. I was convinced I would never find someone like you, that every single man, as every single boy, was a frog compared to you. I… still do.” Another little giggle. “I still haven’t even found a guy better than you in any single aspect…” She stood, getting a little closer to him. “How stupid of me, don’t you think?”

Another confused look. This one dyed by some sort of… surprise? But it was an innocent one. The one he would have shown as a kid, the same he actually shown whenever she exceeded the limits of his logic, in the most mundane topics.

He turned around, looking at her again.

“Anna… do you have any romantic interest in me?” Oh, what a seductive voice. Yet his expression failed. No, he had little idea of reacting to romantic love, if he suspected that.

“What? No, no… no! I don’t. All I’m saying is that… all. I can only see you as my brother.”

She tittered, still nervous. It was ridiculous to consider that she could feel that embarrassed while confessing those little mundane secrets that turned her into a devoted sister she wasn’t.

Then it was him the one who laughed, a gesture that showed a strange fondness for the silliness of that who used to be his twin.

“Thanks for sharing that little secret.”

She continued, as her explanation wasn’t finished.

“What I mean with that is… I really don’t think mother’s choice was based on the one she loved the less. This was impossible to understand back then but now it’s different. Even if we were those tiny children she was able to spot our differences, our strengths, and weaknesses. And at the same time, she was aware of the nature of the experiment we were involved. They wanted to create a future leader for the communist party of Czechoslovakia and one of us was going to be it. Who do you think would they prefer, you or me? Because I’m absolutely certain that they would have loved to have you and mother knew it. And that’s why she gave me away instead. She was going to resist, even with gestures as meaningless as sabotaging that experiment by choosing the less capable twin.” Now the words that she could barely pronounce, a truth buried deep down in her. “I’m glad that she chose me instead of you. And I would have done the same choice if I was her.”

He remained in complete silence, standing some meters away from her.

“You have spent quite some time preparing that explanation, months probably. And it’s quite consistent, Anna, if it wasn’t for one small detail.” He made a couple steps towards her, hands on his back. “If I remember correctly, I used to dress like you. Same clothing, same hair… I even had a wig I learned to use… Am I wrong?” He wasn’t. “Then, can you explain to me why it was me the one who had to dress like you? I was the one to disappear before...”

She hadn’t explained, as he had pleaded, but she had an answer she was happy to share with him.

“It was your choice.” She rubbed her arms, and the thin sweater that covered her. “One of us had to disappear and naturally mother thought it would be easier to cut and bleach my hair. I wasn’t happy with that, and therefore you offered to wear my dresses and long hair instead. Johan, you decided to disappear for me, to make me happy.”

Was that relief what his eyes showed?

“Mother didn’t want you to disappear, and you weren’t mistaken by me. You were a sweet, kind child that broke because of a harsh life we had to endure, especially you.”

Her desperation was probably too visible, but it was too late to hide it and anyway, he wasn’t going to change of plans, no matter how much she shared or pleaded. Thereby, there was nothing to lose.

“And you think you can bring that brother back? If I heal?” He got lost in his thoughts for some seconds, maybe trying to find traces of that person.

He wasn’t that strong.

She got closer, standing right in front of him as he was still on the edge.

“No, there’s no way you’ll become that person again. Still… I think there is something worth saving in you. Something left from that child, yes.” Her allegations to that identity he had lost in the process of becoming a monster seemed to trigger something in him. “As perfect as you were meant to be, your main flaw is your resilience, your lack of. That’s the only clear virtue I have compared to you. What I’m offering is sharing mine with you.”

Sharing like they should have done.

There had been an interesting discovery while she was on her journey to recover those buried memories, while those small details about him and herself returned to her. They were so different they made perfect complementary creatures. It was almost like they had been designed to work together.

Become one.

Yes, that was the way she felt, just a twisted version of Johan’s lack of identity.

“You have lived most of your time completely unaware of my very existence. You can easily do the same now.”

“Probably, but I don’t want to.” She tried to draw her best smile, even when her legs were trembling. “That’s why I want to offer you a new deal. You can stay with me the same way you have been during the last weeks. You don’t have to exist for anyone but me, be another shadow under the name ‘Anna Liebert’, like before. All you have to do is not to be a criminal anymore.”

She reached out a hand towards him.

“What exactly do you expect?”

“I want us to team up, cooperate as we have never done.”

His stare seemed to devour her.

“I’m not interested.”


	19. Day 25. The end (III)

Be together.

He couldn’t make a real choice unless he discovered her real opinion. He wasn’t still convinced that she wasn’t just doing what she considered the ‘right thing’. If that was the case, her offer would bury them both.

He would drove her insane and then she would probably kill them both. He still thought that their lives were meant to be destroyed, and that he wouldn’t really die until she was dead too. No, he was not going to choose for her. She was the one who was going to face all the cruelty of this world on her own.

“I’m not interested.” He answered, softly.

Her expression was… perfect. His rejection hurt, genuinely hurt. Her anger and sadness were also present.

Was there disappointment too?

Yet those emotions meant nothing to him, not when there was another one that caught all his attention.

Fear.

She was afraid of his death, the same primeval fear she would feel for her own.

“Leave the past as it is. That includes me.” He crouched, ending in a position much more unstable than before. Her tension was so palpable. “I won’t lie to you. I really appreciate your kindness, Anna. Now I know that you are not being naïve, but extremely generous with someone that doesn’t deserve one bit of that.”

She slowly lowered her gaze. In other times he would have done anything to stop her looking so miserable.

“Don’t be sad. This is the best for both of us.”

And the misery became anger, burning in those eyes that now looked at him.

“It’s not sadness. I’m disappointed, Johan. And also tired of your cowardice.” She stood right in front of him, in case he made a mistake she would be able to stop him.

She wasn’t expecting his satisfied smile and it made her forget her anger, even for a second.

She might be getting closer.

“Which is the real reason behind your choice?” She tilted her head. “Do you really want to die? Do you want it or… is it just the easier choice?”

She was indeed close.

“Go on. I want to hear your thoughts.” She was probably unaware, but she had learned how to observe, to manipulate from him. Her approach was indeed similar to his. Good, since she was going to need that skill if she wanted to live.

“I don’t know…” She shouldn’t show doubt, even if she was completely wrong. She should have tested her theory instead, based on his reactions. She needed to improve. “I think you are choosing death because you are more afraid of life.” Her tone was too aggressive, no, angered.

He should remember she wasn’t trying to manipulate.

“I prefer death over the agony of life.” He stood, and her eyes feared the worst.

Nothing happened, though.

“Because you are terrified.” Her voice didn’t hide any disdain. She really despised that flaw of his even if he was like a god for her too. “You would like to stay with me, you actually like it, but you are simply too scared. Am I wrong?”

He stood and started walking along the edge again, hands on his back to turn back to her when he reached the end.

“I’ve always liked to be with you.” And the stability she offered him. She wasn’t aware, but her mere presence could drain his paranoia, delusion… psychosis. She got him out of his own head. “That hasn’t changed.”

“Then, why do you want to end it when I’m telling you that you can stay?” That was a clear accusation.

“Because I don’t think I can live much longer. It doesn’t matter if I want, I don’t even think this body can endure life anymore...” He stretched out his arms while walking again. Smiling. Playing. He liked that feeling, death so close, just a step away.

The adrenaline rush, and the ephemeral life entailed.

A pity she wouldn’t enjoy playing with him.

His teasing only made her angrier and her tone showed it.

Go on, sister.

“You are a coward, Johan. All that admiration you have received and none of them could really see the weakling creature you really are.” A little pause. “You don’t dare to live nor change… all because you are unable to make a choice that is not the easiest one.”

“And why does it make you so angry? Care so much?”

“Because it’s your damn fault, Johan! Everything! You! You and only you are responsible for what you have become. You turned my brother into that! And you can’t stop! Not even now!” She was angrier than he expected. “How is it possible that even Bonaparta was capable of choosing a new life and you can’t? All your qualities, all of them mean nothing when you are so damn weak!”

She should know he was aware of it, better than her. Because of it, her angry tone was answered with his most monotonous one, the one she would find more annoying.

“Bravery is a strange concept.” He stopped as he stood in front of her. “Many would consider me brave, facing death over and over without any fear, as the lack of this feeling is considered the depiction of courage. But you should know better.” He turned his head, looking down before reaching her scared eyes. “You know why I don’t care dying right now, no? For me, my life is worthless… while fear, cowardice... mean appreciation and value.” He suddenly turned, focusing on the beautiful colors of the twilight. “I was a coward because I didn’t want to lose what I had, now I’m fearless because I have absolutely nothing to lose.”

She remained silent for a moment. It would be rather disappointing if she fell for that sentimentalism now.

“You made your life worthless. That’s the utter consequence of your previous weakness.” Another pause. “You should have known better.” His eyes couldn’t hide the surprise when he found her standing right next to him, looking at the same abyss, staying a step away from a certain death. “And you are making that same choice again. Even if you know the consequences. Bravery has nothing to do with being fearless, but with facing that same fear, fighting it until the last breath.”

He didn’t stop a smile that curved his lips.

“Doing what you do, fighting back with claws and teeth, requires not only a strong will like yours but also the expectation of some reward. Happiness, sanity… are the rewards you consider worth.” He suddenly offered his loveliest smile. He wanted to quarrel no more. “You are right. I’m choosing to hide and run away again. I’m not sure if I can say I’m afraid, but I really am exhausted of living. No reward is worth the effort. In fact, there’s no sanity nor happiness left for me, you see.”

Silence again, and when she talked again her voice returned to the normal tone. All traces of anger were gone.

“I…” Teary eyes again, lost at some point of the cityscape in front of them. “I think you are much stronger than you think, more than I give you credit for. And I also still think you should wait much longer before doing such a definitive decision. Rest, and recover, as much as you need to.” The first point was such an obvious lie, but the second was truer than she thought. He knew he was acting without a second thought, being as reckless as he could be. But he didn’t want to think, to feel. “Dare to wait, to choose, to evaluate all scenarios, even if your final decision is again death. Then it will be your real choice.”

He finally jumped down to safety, leaving her being the only one standing on that edge.

For an instant, there they were, roles reversed. She was the one facing death and him… the one living?

He had to make a choice. And she had been convincing.

No, the process of convincing him had been a long, turbulent road she had been walking without being even aware of it. She was right, he needed her. Not in the way she argued but with her presence, and… her attention. It was a strange feeling, wanting that relationship back so badly, from the first moment he had opened his eyes, after three years in a coma. It was her fault, those words of forgiveness had triggered something in him, something similar to… hope. He was convinced, after that moment, it didn’t matter what happened, he was not going to interfere with her life anymore, in any way possible. That meant that it was going to be her the one to get close to him, in case he was saved again. The surprise was immense, as he found himself still breathing and having a dedicated sister who had stayed with him in a single month much longer than in the last decade, every single month of those three years.

She wanted him.

Now he knew there was a chance… he should test. Having nothing else to do, and nothing to lose, his main goal became testing that dedication of his next of kin. She had been insanely tolerant, accepting, and he finally understood that there had been a way she had finally forgiven him. She let him invade her life while it had barely changed. She worked, had some social life, planned ahead, and he was around making little changes here and there, some to include himself in that plan, others aiming to help her. And instead of breaking her apart she seemed happier than… ever.

She was happier with him. What a strange thought.

And he had her attention, all the time he wanted it. One word and she left anything she was doing to dedicate completely to him. He had tested that too, exhaustively, and even if she was sometimes annoyed, there was a real interest in her behavior. She was afraid too, but most of the time just interested.

He had her presence and her attention.

If he had ever had a chance to have a normal life, it had always been the time he had possessed those two. Even if it was too late… was it?

She was right, and he was terrified. He was facing a real dilemma he wasn’t prepared for. He could use her as the lifesaver she used to be and was willing to become again. That was all he needed.

Yet… the drawback. Living again meant to become someone and not only someone, but his real self, or what he understood as it, the monster, the void. He should embrace the emptiness, the boredom, the hopelessness as he had promised her not to lie or fake anymore. Even if his identity was finally going to be complete with her, the limitations were there. Faking he was someone else had been sometimes liberating.

However, she had offered him another solution, another name. Her name, that they were going to share. He could become Anna Liebert once again but this time it was going to be different, it was going to be under her conditions. No more cross-dressing, since she seemed to dislike the idea. She was going to face the external world for the two of them, her alone. He would be standing behind, as a silent observer.

She followed him and soon she was standing next to him.

Why did her eyes bright so intense? She could probably see his doubt.

“No, you still don’t understand it.” his expression was blank. “I’m not going to live unless I have you, as you said, I want your presence and your attention, but not like this. You can’t have both, this normal life and me, so you have to choose your top priority, and unless I’m it, I won’t stay.” Then he smiled, seeing her concern. Was she really thinking she could deal with both? “And that’s not all. Depending on your decision I’ll make mine, and that means I’ll wait, recover, heal, or whatever happens to me because I can’t assure you I won’t die in a month, or a year.”

She remained silent. A wise decision, as a rushed answer would have made him decline her offer automatically.

“I’m saying that you have to give up on everything you have now. Absolutely everything, at least for now.” He continued, trying to scare her. She had no idea of what she was choosing. She would, eventually, if she agreed.

She lowered her gaze.

“And what sort of brother are you offering me?”

“The only one you have. The monster, the criminal, and the one who accepted and respected our initial deal up until now.” He still couldn’t believe he had really done that. It had been a lie the moment they were talking and somewhere in the process it became the truth.

And she had been right. If they wanted to get something from that relationship, they had to redefine it, completely. Honesty had been the key subject, and also communication. He had no idea what exactly she wanted him to tell about himself but at least he had answered to all her personal questions. That was a start and based on her surprise it seemed a good one.

The second point was himself. There was no relationship unless he became a good person, behave like one. Anna knew exactly the monster he was, one she also recognized on herself, that would never disappear. However, he feared it could be tamed. He could also be good, like her, even though he would always expect some reward, like the acceptance and tolerance she offered. So, she had been smart and asked him to control his reactions, not change his nature, offering something valuable in exchange. The reasons behind his behavior were meaningless, only actions mattered. And he agreed. It seems he longed her company that much.

“I kept that promise with Nina and also with Anna, since she asked for the same.”

Her eyes still didn’t trust him. She thought he was too smart, too cunning, that he was manipulating her.

She suddenly took one of his hands. She was trembling.

“If I say yes, that you, we, are going to be my top priority, what then? Will you stay?” Her tone was cautious.

He nodded.

“Yes. I’m staying with you for now. Let’s see what happens.” She looked at him, with the most astonished expression in her face. She didn’t believe she had actually convinced him to live. But she had, not by trying to convince him but by actually understanding him. She knew the brother she wanted back and that was the only moment when he could accept that generosity, hoping that the acknowledgment meant that her interest was as real as possible. “But that’s not all. You must accept many conditions. Do you want to hear them?”

“Tell me.” She smiled.

“You are going to leave your job and this city. We are moving abroad.”

Surprise turned into annoyance and so rapidly into comprehension. She understood it was a matter of safety and anonymity.

“Hmm…” she looked at him. “Ok. Where?” Also leaving everyone behind.

“Wherever you want. But Germany is too dangerous.” He smiled, comforting. “You are also going to accept and use my money. All of it, not only the one I gave you. You’ll rent a nice house somewhere and remain jobless until you are able to endure that normal life you want so badly.”

“Ok. And… what are you going to do?”

“I have no idea.” He had some idea. He would start with art. “During our adolescence, I learned to play the piano and also paint. I’ve never had any real hobbies but… art might be the only one I would consider. So, I’m going to try passing the time writing, painting and playing. See what happens.” He shrugged, actually amused by that surprised face of hers. “Have a normal life…” He wasn’t going to become a loner, eccentric artist if that’s what she was thinking. “I can try.”

He could have been a writer, a pianist maybe, if he had never been in the Kinderheim 511 or they had never left Düsseldorf. Or he had been strong enough.

She needed a prove, that he wasn’t able to live. He needed that too, since she had been able to plant the seed of doubt. All he wanted was to believe in that doubt.

She was teary, again.

“Exactly. Let’s just see what happens.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I can't believe I have written a 100 pages fanfic in English xD, I'm so proud of myself for finishing it (if it was worth reading is up to you)
> 
> So, this is it, my fangirl dream of all the time the twins should have had together. I wanted an ending focusing of them both hehehe, although... it was way funnier to write their arguments than the sugary ending
> 
> Anyway, I'll leave the final chapter as an independent oneshot, focusing on the Kinderheim 511, and I'm also considering writing more (maybe an AU or...) or looking for RP.
> 
> Auf Wiederlesen!


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